My life really hasn't been too great in the last few months. It's like, all of my nightmares have come true. I'm not just imagining that everyone hates me, they have given me specific examples.

Tristen: Stood me up. Didn't know how to get in contact with me, he had no choice. My number's in the phone book... only one under my last name. Nice effort there Tristen ;)

Derek: Yup, stood me up. Too "sick" to call... too uncaring to make new plans ;)

Robin: Uhmmmm the Derek thing? heh Yeah cus, "Well you gave up on him!" is a bad excuse. It means that she would go after a guy that I had liked for two years, but given up hope of ever getting a chance to go out with. Yeah, let's just rub it in my face that she can get the guy that I couldn't get. Real considerate.

Erica: DESERTED ME AT THE BAGEL BASEMENT! So she says that it wasn't her idea (which I can believe), and that she tried to get them to turn around. How did you let them go?

Jenn Meade: Same as Erica, only worse cus I know that it must have been her idea. This is the third fucking time that she has done this to me.... only the other two she had excuses for... time, forgot. Fucking bitch.

Rachel: Same as the prior two, only much MUCH MUCH worse. I expected more from her. The other day she saw me in the hall and wanted to know what was wrong because i looked upset. Then she goes and pulls that shit. She knew what was happening, she was the one who got Erica to go outside.

heheheheh I'm in such a good mood right now! I am excatic!!!!!!!! Ohhhhhhhh

Yeah, so enough is enough with the depending on people thing, and the getting pissed when they don't live up to my standards.... It just isn't worth it. It really isn't worth the trouble they cause.

School makes me realize what a geek I really am. I love my lit. class, it makes me so happy. I love the works we have read this year. They aren't just pointless crap, and they are well written. heheheh That and they make me feel smart, and not alone. It seems like the characters are me, they think about the same things that I have always thought about. It's great. Like "Waiting for Godot", starts in the middle, ends in the middle, I always thought that that was how you had to write a piece, makes it so much more honest and real. Life doesn't end, there are so few easy stopping points too. We don't have chapters, we barely even have paragraphs, it's just a big mess.

Oooooh talking to Tris, and I said that I realized that the reason people piss me off is that I have expectations of what they should be to me, and how they should act. That's silly though. Lots of people are stupid, they aren't capable of doing what I wish of them for the reasons I wish them to do them. I.e., it isn't Tristen's fault that he pisses me offf. It's mine for expecting him to care. I mean, yeah it hurts talking to him sometimes, but he shouldn't be affected by this.

So yeah, lots just happened. Robin got on, got pissed. I told her everything. She got pissed, offended, and dumped me... heheh I am now dateless for the prom.

I sent Tris the whole convo, he said that I was completely in the right. That's nice to hear. Then I told my mom what happened, and she agrees that I did the right thing! Yippeeeeeee she isn't dissapointed in me!!!!!!!! I love her, and i love Tris too. yipppeeeeeeeeeee

hahahah no one knows about this, and no one will ... most likely.

I have some stuff that I want to say, but that I don't think I can tell anyone. I tried this before, but then decided that what I wrote was something that I actually did want to tell people about, since it was an issue that had to do with other people so I ended up telling them so that I could deal with it and move on.

This is different, it deals with people, but I don't want to tell them .. because to deal with the problem I would have to admit to stuff that I am not comfortable telling them. Damn, I'm not even comfortable with writting it in here. If someone finds this ... I guess I'll live ... but I don't really want to have to let people see this. rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

The problem is, I'm not so sure what I am thinking ... or feeling ... or something. I hate not having a clue what is going on. Knowing what I am thinking, and what it means, and what what other people are thinkig means makes me feel in control of my life and what is happening around me. I feel so helpless when I don't know what I am feeling. harumph

Yeah, so um Robin is having the same reaction to Derek that I did. She likes that she can just talk to him. I don't know, but I can't handle it ... I can't listen to her talk about him like that, and I don't know why.

I thought that I was over him, but maybe I am not. Maybe I actually did have real feelings for him. I know that I got attached to him, but I didn't think that I actually liked him. It scares me to think that maybe I did. Becuase that, most likely, means that I am as stupid as so many girls out there.

I never wanted to fall for the guys that everyone fell for ... that isn't true emotion, but letting someone play you. I always thought that you didn't get played, but rather you let yourself be played. I don't want to get played. Just becuase Derek didn't hurt me ... doesn't mean that he didn't play my emotions. He is the type of guy I said that I would never like, the type of guy who knows how to get girls to like him. I didn't want that. I wanted to be the girl who rejected that guy, who showed him that he isn't that great, that not everyone wants him.

That's the attitude I had when I first met Derek. I knew what he was, and I knew what to do. I said that he was a pretty boy (I meant it as an insult, guys shouldn't be pretty .. they should be ... guylike heh), and that I didn't care what he thought of me. People said that he liked me, I said "no, and it doesn't matter because I don't like him". He called me, so I was nice and talked to him. That's where I went wrong. I should have known better than to talk to him, I should have said "leave me alone". When you have never had a boyfriend, have never really been kissed, don't get attention from guys, and have been rejected multiple times in the prior few months, you should know that talking to a guy is a big deal. It made me feel wanted in a time when I thought that my family hated me, and had lost most of my "frineds". I knew that I didn't have many real friends, real friends wouldn't have believed what they were told ... they would have known me better, and I believed that my family should have cared .. or showed that they cared more than they did. So getting attention from a guy was great. He seemed nice too, and he was fun to talk to. We always had something to say, always menial, but always interesting. He made me laugh, something I was too stressed to do much of back then. lol He was "perfect", exactly what I wanted in a guy, so I started to overlook that he was also everything that I hated about guys. Nothing ever happened between us, partly because I was scared, mostly because I knew what would happen. But even knowing this I still got attached. Mostly because of what he meant to me, and the memories I attached to him ... it wasn't really HIM that I was attached to.

So, do I not like that I was stupid? or not want to think about it (no, because I am fine with writting about what happened), heh I guess I answered my own question ... I don't really see any other answers now. I'm not jealous, so much as annoyed.

Of course I am jealous in part. I mean, I hate how Robin seems to be loosely attached to so many guys ... I wish that I could be friendly like her. I also would hate to see her in a relationship with him. I knew him for two years before she did, and it would really suck if she actually dated him.

But jealousy isn't what makes me uncomfortable listening to her talk about him.

I guess it also has to do with me not wanting her to do what I did. I don't want her to get attached like I did.

heheheh I think I am going to go and post this now. hah So that everyone can read it.