i'm paranoid about mat. i'm so afraid that he's going to meet someone else and realize that i mean nothing to him and that i'm not worth the effort. the idea of him finding someone he likes more isn't the crappy part. of course it would suck, but i could deal with it if it made him happy. i just hate to think that he's going to stop caring about me. i really can't see myself getting to a point where i don't care about him.

i'm so afraid that i'm being stupid. there are so many people who want so badly for the person they love to love them back, that they twist stuff in their mind to look like that that other person cares about them in the way they want them to. i really feel like mat cares, maybe even as much as i care about him. maybe i'm just making it up, maybe i'm misenterpreting. maybe i'm living a lie. i don't want to be that girl. she's what i've always tried to avoid being. that person who lives in this fake little world that they created for themself. i want to know what's really going on. i don't mind that i let myself get attached to someone who lives far away. i don't mind that i got attached to someone who is in a different place in his life than i am in mine. what all of my rules and thoughts on dating add up to is that i don't want to think i have something that isn't real. that's what really scares me.

i've been thinking about mat too much the past day or so, that always depresses me. then i start doubting myself and being sad. i guess there is an upside. i always seem to figure it out and cheer up within a few hours, which is a drastic improvement from last year. yeah i get sad, but no where near as bad as last year. i know i have more work to do, but i am improving. if i weren't happy with improving, i'd be moving backwards.

i sidetracked a bit there. so i'm scared that i'm seeing something that isn't there. i'm scared that i'm assuming incorrectly. i'm not really that needy i don't think, i just don't want to be wrong. i want to know what mat thinks of me and of what i say about him and i want to know what he feels for me, because i don't want to get it wrong. i want to know where we stand.

okay, so i am needy. i get paranoid and stop believing what he says a few days after he says it.

here's my excuse: i've never felt this before. i've never felt anything remotely close to what i feel for mat. it's everything, all at once. being around him is like when i'm really happy and excited and i want to listen to all of my favorite songs at once, only i have to listen to them one by one. i barely have the patience, because i can't wait to hear the next song, but each song makes me so happy. i feel so much for him, and i do trust him. i don't trust many people. i'm really putting myself out there with this one, i'm trying, and i'm letting myself care, i don't want to have made a mistake.

when i really think about it though, i don't think that i'm making a mistake. i think mat's too good of a guy to really hurt me.

holy crap.

yeah, i want to like mat. he's a good boy, the type i should want. that's not why i still want him though. i used to wonder if i only liked him because i didn't want to let go and blahblahblah. i know now that that's not all there is to it.

that's the scariest, hardest thing for me to deal with. i do know what i want. the certainty to this is what's scary. i do hope that eventualy he and i can be in a real relationship. part of me is planning on it. if i didn't think that was a possibility, i would have found another guy by now. i hate that this is how i think because it's not how i'm supposed to think! i'm pessimistic, i hate people, and don't believe that teenagers are capable of serious relationships. so why do i want to have a serious relationship?

do i want to be with him now? would i do the long distance thing? i've always thought that long distance relationships are stupid and pointless and only cause problems. still... what do i have now? i'm not willing to be with anyone else. it's like being exclusive to someone i'm not dating. how much more harm could the commitment do? it's commitment. blah, relationships... i don't like them. but i want to be with him. so i don't know. if mat were willing, i don't know what i'd think. i know this doesn't matter, lol but i was thinking about it today.