mmmmm i feel, good. not happy, well happy too, but that's not what i meant. you can be happy, but happiness, it's a temporary thing, it's an emotional reaction to a situation or thought or thing, transitory feeling. what i feel now, is good. i don't know how to explain it.

i've felt out of control for awhile now. i did things, and i knew why i was doing them and all... but somehow, i didn't feel like me.

everything seemed so big. no, i let everything feel so big. but that didn't feel right. so i tried to not care, i guess is how i should explain it. that wasn't right either. i do care, a lot. i haven't detached myself enough from things to not care. but i was getting too upset over things, and i didn't, no i COULDN'T for some reason put the right significance behind things. i was lost in my own thoughts, or feelings, or reasons, or something. somehow dissatached from what made me function as me. i couldn't connect to my own reasoning, or something. this is really hard to explain. it was kind of like a dream. where everything feels real, and it feels like stuff is happening to you, and you are reacting. then you wake up, and nothing was what you thought it was, or how you thought it was. you had control of it all, because it was in your mind, but you couldn't reach the controls. your dream reasoning doesn't make sense anymore. you can see why you did what you did in the dream, but it isn't what seems right to your waking mind. it was you in the dream, but somehow it wasn't. dreaming feels kind of off, but you don't know that you're dreaming. then when you wake up, you feel so awake, so yourself, and in touch with everything. everything had been blurred, and now it's clear. that's how i felt just now. i finally felt awake, not just awake, but i felt like me again.

i don't even know when i lost control. but now, i see. you know, i've been saying this over and over. that i felt asleep, but then i woke up. it's not the awake that i feel now, stuff was feeling real (as real as i ever see life to be lol), but now i feel like me. i wasn't before. i know who i am again, and i can make decisions based on that, hopefully... unless i lose my self again. i really hope i don't. i always feel kind of lost, and that's okay. this, this was so much more, so much bigger. i don't think i can explain just how lost i was.

. . .
i don't even know why i'm writing in here.

i walked down to coconuts. it was rather chilly, and snowy, and windy, but worth it. i bought tsunamie bomb's 'the ultimate escape', and it's really good. i want all the lyrics on here, i feel like i can relate to it all.

i can't write right now, just isn't working........

life's not so bad for me. i just wish i knew what to do sometimes.

embrace

i feel unsettled with life, like something is wrong, but i don't know how to fix it, because i don't know what it is. everything seems fine, but it isn't......

i can't seem to focus on anything. i started to panic today. in the middle of school, i felt flustered, and i needed to get out, i needed to be outside, away, alone, but not

i used to get that feeling more often, the panicy one. the emotional version of drowing. where you get hot and clammy, and you need to hold onto something, anything, you feel weak, and nothing looks right. the world is fuzzy, and warm, once again, like water. you're floating, but against your will, you have no control. nothing feels right, you look at things and they are all disconcerting....

it wasn't as bad this time as it used to be a year or two ago.

the hardest thing is this not knowing what is wrong, but knowing something is stopping me from really being okay.

i haven't been sleeping right either. going to bed earlier than i have all year, sleeping in later, and yet i feel exhausted. it almost seems like the sleep is hurting me.

the world doesn't feel right, i don't feel like i'm part of it. i really thought i was okay for a while there...

maybe i want something to hold onto. that's a common thing with me.

certain people just don't understand the concept of not liking someone.

my blog! my beutiful blog! my online lover! heh my only lover!

i'm real horny, and real sick of not getting any. wooooooooooooo

Why do we always seem,
To want what we can't have?
Lessons learned.
But then I listen to my heart,
And it says still run back for more...
But it breaks my heart,
To know I can't hold you.
It's just hard to think
I'll never get the chance
To say your mine.

i don't know what's holding me back from getting over him, and i really wish i knew what it is.

i keep saying that i know i need to get over him. it's not really that i think i should get over him, so much as i don't want to be needy, and i really don't want to want someone who doesn't and won't have an interest in me. i've done that too many times, and i'm sick of it, i want to grow up, get past that.

i can think it out, and see that he won't ever be mine, and then i want to get over him. there are these moments though, when i think about him and i smile, and i know that i'm not over him.

lately, i've been feeling more okay about the whole thing. i know that i'm not over him, but i'm okay. i'm okay knowing that i still have feelings for him, but i can still be interested in other guys; knowing that i want him, but i can be happy, and have a good life without him in it. it's off and on though.

so why did i get so attached to this one? he's online now, and i'm not talking to him because i don't know what to say to him. most of the time i can't keep up a conversation with him, and it does bother me, that awkward silence. heh it's the same way with robin and jenn too, and they are my closest friends. it's easier when i was with him, the silence felt okay. when we do have something to say, he just makes me so happy. blargh like i said before, i have no fucking clue why i like him so much, but apparently i do. i haven't seen him in 8 weeks, and i still can't help smiling if he IMs me. i am such a loser, seriousely.

el diablo just listened to this song. i like them. i like them even more when i am depressed. some music is just better when you're in a certain mood. woohaa

i've had this song stuck in my head for hours, but i don't know the name, who it's by, or enough of the lyrics to figure out what it is BAH.

broken boy

isn't this pretty now? i like this font so much more. the title apears only once now. this is up top so you can find it easier. song lyrics have their own page and don't clutter this anymore. the red boxes with black lettering came about by accident. see, to change this i pasted in the stuff from my other blog and just changed the colors... haha i made too much black, so you couldn't see the text. i tried to fix it, and the box around the title came out red, with black text, and i thought it looked cool. so i put red around the posts too. i don't know why there is blue on the page though... i'll fix that later. now is time for sleep!

brand new hero

gar i hate being so moody.

why is it that i write something one night, and it makes perfect sense, and i feel better because i explained my feelings and thoughts. then the next day i regret it, and i feel completely different about the subject.

when i got in the car this morning, i really wanted to listen to the who. good stuff, and good lyrics. for some reason, this CD hits a cord with me.

i don't even know myself ~ the who
There's nothing in the way I walk that could tell you where I'm going,
There's nothing in the words I speak that can betray anything I'm knowing,
Don't think about the way I dress, you can fit me on a labelled shelf,
Don't pretend that you know me 'cause I don't even know myself,
Ooh I don't know myself.

I don't mind if you try once in a while,
I don't mind if I cry once in a while,
The doors aren't shut as tight as they might seem,
I'm just trying to fight my way out of this dream.

Don't listen to the words I say, weighing up if I'm enlightened,
Don't shiver as you pass me by, 'cause mister I'm the one who's frightened,
The police just came and left, they wanted me and no one else,
Don't pretend that you know me 'cause I don't even know myself,
I said I don't know myself.

I don't mind if you try once in a while,
I don't mind if I cry once in a while,
The doors aren't shut as tight as they might seem,
I'm just trying to fight my way out of this dream.

Do you remember me, I don't remember you,
Do you still love me, you know I think you do,
I have been gone, and some prison warder knows my scream,
I'm just trying to fight my way out of this dream.

There's only five who know my real name,
And my mother don't believe they know it,
What she called me is the way I'm staying,
And no one'll ever know it,
Come on all of you big boys, come on all of you elves,
Don't pretend that you know me 'cause I don't even know myself,
I said I don't know myself.

I don't mind if you try once in a while,
And I don't mind if I cry once in a while.

i don't think i've told anyone about this yet.

crushes aren't all equal. there are smaller crushes, and larger crushes. i've had an insignificant crush on this one guy for about a year now. the funny part is, before i had a crush on him, i hated him with a passion. then i had a class with him, and i developed a respect for him, and then i liked him. i didn't think much of it last year, he had a girlfriend for most of the year, and i didn't talk to him much, and i liked tons of guys more. i have a class with him again this year. i keep catching myself looking at him, and i catch him looking back, but that's probably just because i'm looking at him. talked to him a bit a few times, he's pretty cute. he was at the play tonight. when i walked out he was with spencer and spencer said hi or something so i talked to them for a minute. gar he's so cute, not spencer heh. he makes me smile, and blush, especialy thinking that he was watching me on stage, cus he made a comment about one part i was in. awwwwwwwwwh i'm wondering if this is going to be my next real crush. i love thinking that he might be looking at me intentionaly, not just because i creep him out. it's hillarious that i like him, i can laugh at it, i hated him for the first 6 years i knew him. he was a fucking douche to me! acting like he was all better than me and shit. pah i think not. he seems okay now.

i had to write about that. i've been thinking about him more, but only when i see him in school. tonight, he makes me smile, that smile that you just can't help. mmmmm i love that feeling. when you like someone, but it isn't so much that it matters what they feel or think. they just make you happy.

i lost a big chunk of my hair tonight. too much shit in my hair, too much teazing. it took me forver to wash my hair, and hair kept coming out in my hands. i could have made a wig with all the hair that came out! poor hair, rest in peace.

okay, i had to come to write about one of my favorite things in the world, "anastasia".

the first time i watched it i was in 6th grade. i saw it in theaters during christmas break in ithaca, ny with my mom, sister, brother, and cousin. i didn't want to go because it was a cartoon, and even planning on hating it, i muchly enjoyed it. the second time i saw it was a few years ago on tv, i still loved it, so i asked for it for my bday, and got it. i didn't think anyone would be able to find it, but they rereleased it around them, go figure. jenn has it now, i need it back. it is my comfort movie. i don't have a comfort food, but that movie always makes me feel better. i used to watch it when i was sick, but now i can't. i miss it mucho mucho.

IT IS NOT A DISNEY MOVIE. why does everyone think it is? disney are the only ones to make musical cartoons. it's fox or something, but not disney.

it has meg ryan in it. she makes me happy, she just does. can she be my comfort actress? i watched 'when harry met sally' the other day, never gets old. well maybe it will someday, but not yet heh.

i love the music, i love to sing along. i need to get the soundtrack. i'm going to sing a song from it for ncct tryouts. i decided that last year. i already have the sheet music. booyeah! take that biyatch!

when i was little i remember my mom tellling me that the way to fall asleep is to think about something nice. so i come up with these stories, pretty much the same, but little stuff changes every night. when i was little, the jist of them was that i was a princess, seperated from my family when i was little. i somehow grew up on my own and made it okay, when i was all grown, i go near the palace, and find out that i am royalty! which is what happens in the movie. the difference is, i pretended i was a twin, and that's how they knew i was royal, i looked like the princess.

heh i've grown out of that fantasy, now i think about other stuff.

laugh if you wish, but i have a major attachment to this movie. it means something to me, so i write about it. i think it makes me happier than buffy, but buffy has major sentamental value to it. buffy was there for me when i needed something to hold onto. i started watching it when i had no friends, was going thru puberty and jr high, and thought my family hated me. it was my thing in a world that i had to share. plus it made me feel special to stay up till 11 on tuesdays, and it gave me something to look forward to.

by the way, if i were to watch all of my buffy and angel dvds straight, it would take more than three days... and i'm behind! i have a set or two i need to pick up. season 3 of angel and season 5 of buffy should be out, but i haven't looked for them yet. i didn't like that season of buffy, so i'm debating getting it. and i haven't finished watching season 2 of angel, i need to spread out the love. mmmmmmm hot vampire beating people up, comon, does it get any better than that? i think not. heh i think the fight scenes turn me on a bit, but not that much, and i didn't just admit that to you. ;)

mixed fruit mentos are so good.

PURPLE HAIR IN 4 DAYS. hell yeah motherfucker.

uhmmmmmm
acidrainstorm451: ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhh, yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! danmmmmmmm that feeels nice....
acidrainstorm451: just poking fun at you! :-P
acidrainstorm451: :-P:-*
acidrainstorm451: lol
Splitchic3: what are you talking about?
acidrainstorm451: nothing at all
acidrainstorm451: im really bored
Splitchic3: okee
acidrainstorm451: it was in reference to me having sex with you...? but i was kidding? you got that right?
Splitchic3: ooooooh
Splitchic3: actualy i didnt
Splitchic3: but now i do
i know i said i like it when guys flirt with me but blargh! that's not what i meant.

oh! before i forget again! i've been thinking about my mom a lot lately. she doesn't mean to hurt me, she doesn't mean to make my life bad. she loves me, and she wants the best for me, that's why she is tuff on me. i wouldn't be what i am now if it weren't for that. i am SO thankful for what she does to me, and it's embarassing that it took me THIS long to fully understand that. i feel like such a mooch. i've complained about her so much, when she was just trying to help me. she hasn't always done it in the right way, she is not the best mother ever. but i can't expect her to be. she is only human. and she did an okay job.

i used to be so jealous of my sister. she got so much from my mom. took me till now to realize why. my mom needs my sister, because my sister needs her. my sister LOVES being the baby, it's a part of who she is, a major part. she takes so much more babying. the thing is, i don't want the babying. yeah i wanted us to be treated the same, but i didn't think she should get it so easy. i still don't know if it's doing her any good in the long run. but i get it now. i never wanted help. my mom says i stopped breast feeding young, i didnt ever like it. when i was in kindergarten i refused to let my mom walk me to school, my sister wanted my mom to walk her thru atleast third grade, then she got friends to walk with. i was left home by myself at 5 cus my mom knew i would be okay. she still has doubts about leaving my 13 year old sister home alone. i never really wanted help or support, if i really did need it or not, i don't think i'll ever know, but i didn't want it... my sister did. she gives my mom a purpose.

not in the biggest people mood today, but i am cold, and i did paint my nails. do those have anything to do with each other? eh

looking at what i wrote last night, i wasn't happy, but i didn't feel like writing about it, so i put in the funny parts of my convo with mat. trying to not focus on the negative.

Everybody's better than I am
I think everybody's better than me
And everybody's swell I guess
They're doing well some more or less
Everybody's better than I am I think
You know to be king you don't need a castle
To row back to shore can sure be a hassle
Why you walk around with your head low down
Everybody's acting like I don't matter
Everybody's into the act
Too many of them to avoid
It could be that I'm paranoid
I matter as a matter of fact
And you know to be king you don't need a castle
To row back to shore can sure be a hassle

Why you walk around with your head low down
The true king rules without a crown
If your boat's afloat after the typhoon
Row it safely back to the lagoon
And nevermind the green grass you won't mow
Or what it is you have or don't to show
Or what it is you can or can't afford
The good are good without reward
You know to be king you don't need a castle
To row back to shore can sure be a hassle
Why you walk around with your head low down
Everybody's better than I am
I think everybody's better than me
And everybody's swell I guess
They're doing well some more or less
Everybody's better than I am I think
Everybody's acting like I don't matter
Everybody's into the act
Too many of them to avoid
It could be that I'm paranoid
I matter as a matter of fact
And you know to be king you don't need a castle
No no! No No! No no no no
To row back to shore can sure be a hassle
You know to be king you don't need a castle

that's my message to myself. lindsay get over it! you do matter. nobody can be too good for you, that's just dumb.

"everything's more fun when you don't give a fuck" hehehehe

so sick of being single. damnit, all i'm asking is for a guy to make out with who i am semi attracted to. that's not so much is it?

tired. not good enough. why do i do this to myself?

GanstaBtchBarbi: if you are the savior, you should be helping my people
GanstaBtchBarbi: how are you helping my people?
GanstaBtchBarbi: you're supposed to be saving us!
GanstaBtchBarbi: if i pray, will you appear to me?
GanstaBtchBarbi: will you come to my bedside and give me guidance?
redxorxblue: wooo
redxorxblue: yes
redxorxblue: most definately
GanstaBtchBarbi: woohaa!
redxorxblue: :-D
GanstaBtchBarbi: i will pray to you tonight then
redxorxblue: i will save you when the time is right
redxorxblue: ok then
GanstaBtchBarbi: when the time is right?
redxorxblue: or december
GanstaBtchBarbi: hah that just means you don't feel like helping me yet
redxorxblue: whichever comes first
GanstaBtchBarbi: lazy butt monkey
GanstaBtchBarbi: haha
redxorxblue: yup
GanstaBtchBarbi: that's when you'll help me? or that's when you will appear to me at my bedside?
redxorxblue: both
GanstaBtchBarbi: okay
redxorxblue: that work?
GanstaBtchBarbi: sure does
redxorxblue: sweet

GanstaBtchBarbi: ooh you wanna go to hell with me sometime? i hear it has a lovely view of people in agony
redxorxblue: hmmm... sounds nice
GanstaBtchBarbi: yeah great place to go in the winter

redxorxblue: so, you native to texas?
redxorxblue: BAKLAVA!
GanstaBtchBarbi: uh huh
GanstaBtchBarbi: i see
GanstaBtchBarbi: uh huh
redxorxblue: baklava is tasty
GanstaBtchBarbi: it is
GanstaBtchBarbi: but it would be tastier if it were made with beef... and without all the other stuff
GanstaBtchBarbi: mmm beef
redxorxblue: lol
GanstaBtchBarbi: fuck beef! give me the cow straigh up, i'll know what to do with it
redxorxblue: your gonna fuck a cow?
GanstaBtchBarbi: hell yeah
GanstaBtchBarbi: and then eat it raw
GanstaBtchBarbi: mmmmmmmm that's what i call the do and chew

robin: but like your parents say when your first pet dies... you gotta think about the good times you had together, and be happy for those memories! lol. im such a cornchip.

robin: wtf? cornchip? lol

me: i dunno, but i might have to call you cornchip from now on.

robin: lmao. no that's just not okay. but the family pet metaphore was good, wasn't it? lol. fits mat nicely. hehe

me: haha yeah, he kind of reminds me of my cat. he needs to be petted and loved and fed

robin: lmao ya, but they both talk a whole lot. haha and your cat has more hair... maybe. lol couldn't tell ya that one... oh! and your cat doesn't like to be bitten

hahaha that was the best part of my convo with robin last night

i've been arguing with myself for almost a week now about why i kissed tristen. i think i have the defintive answer, rather broad, but i think it covers this:

Splitchic3: ahhhhhh when i am happy, and okay with life, and i can accept the good and the bad, i stop worrying about other people as much. that's when i hurt people like robin, i forget that even though i would be ok in her place, she might not be

tristen says it isn't my responsibility to protect her from something she should be able to deal with. robin says i shouldn't have hurt her, i knew it would hurt her. i can see how she sees that as me trying to hurt her. but it goes back to what i just said, when i learn to deal with more, i forget that other people haven't learned to. i realize that it isn't important, and i see thinking it was important as foolish, so i assume everyone else got to that understanding before me, but they didn't...

the question is, how much should i care about myself, and how much should i put others first? heh, so this is why i kept away from people so much, it is easier that way, just not as fulfilling.

this isn't even what i planned on writing in here about. oh well, i am moody, this is what i'm thinking about now.

you know what? i don't even feel like complaining anymore. i deserve all the crap i get.

not happy.

redxorxblue: because you hate me
GanstaBtchBarbi: i do?
redxorxblue: yes
GanstaBtchBarbi: oh, why do i hate you?
redxorxblue: because im an evil asshole that is manipulative and should die
GanstaBtchBarbi: oh, well you're not very nice
redxorxblue: yeah
redxorxblue: im an asshole
redxorxblue: im a fuckin wanker
GanstaBtchBarbi: then why do i talk to you?
redxorxblue: because... uhh.. good question
GanstaBtchBarbi: hmm
redxorxblue: yeah
GanstaBtchBarbi: well maybe you're not that bad
redxorxblue: safety piuns ROCK
redxorxblue: really?
redxorxblue: i think i suck
GanstaBtchBarbi: well, you always seemed pretty okay to me
redxorxblue: thats good
GanstaBtchBarbi: but maybe that was just you manipulating me lol
redxorxblue: possibly
GanstaBtchBarbi: so how are you manipulating me?
redxorxblue: ummm, you like me, thats one
GanstaBtchBarbi: hmm so do i like you because of you manipulating me? or do you just take advantage of that?
redxorxblue: don t know
GanstaBtchBarbi: excellent
redxorxblue: isaac said i liked being manipulated
GanstaBtchBarbi: good for you
redxorxblue: i corrected him
GanstaBtchBarbi: oh
redxorxblue: told him "dominated" was the correct term
GanstaBtchBarbi: heh
GanstaBtchBarbi: you need to find yourself a girl to "dominate" you, i'm sure it would make you're life out there a lot better lol
redxorxblue: i really do
redxorxblue: i need a girl to beat the shit out of me
redxorxblue: the way you used to
redxorxblue: made me feel so good

ugh, i hate it when he points out that i like him.

GanstaBtchBarbi: talking to my sister about her new boyfriend
GanstaBtchBarbi: damn, she's 4 years younger than me and already she's had more boyfriends than i have
redxorxblue: damn
redxorxblue: but none as cool as me, right? ;-)

yeah, if only you could be my boyfriend. haha i am stalker girl, watch out!

acidrainstorm451: havent asked this in awhile..lol you over mat yet?
GanstaBtchBarbi: nope
GanstaBtchBarbi: i thought i was getting over him, like the feelings were going away. then they came back
GanstaBtchBarbi: blah
GanstaBtchBarbi: i suck
acidrainstorm451: yeah, cause now that hes online you can talk to him more, and your falling in love all over again...heh. i dont know, but it wouldent suprise me.
acidrainstorm451: no you dont suck
GanstaBtchBarbi: don't say love
acidrainstorm451: HA!
acidrainstorm451: right hun
acidrainstorm451: would you rather obsession?
acidrainstorm451: infatuation?
GanstaBtchBarbi: i'm not that bad, am i?
acidrainstorm451: i think love is tame and safe
GanstaBtchBarbi: obsession isn't
acidrainstorm451: well, you havent been that bad latley no, but i dont really know cause im not hanging out with you, or seeing your eyes so i cant really tell. but before even online i knew something was stilll up.
GanstaBtchBarbi: yea
acidrainstorm451: so is it still as strong as ever? or do you just not tell me anymore? whats up?
GanstaBtchBarbi: i don't know
acidrainstorm451: hmmm
acidrainstorm451: ok
GanstaBtchBarbi: i don't talk about him as much anymore to other people
acidrainstorm451: thats what i thought
acidrainstorm451: yeah, dont hold it in from me please, if something is up let me know, cuase i dont want you to bottle it up, and then get upset some day, and then i have no idea whats wrong.
GanstaBtchBarbi: i'm okay right now
acidrainstorm451: if you tell anyone anything tell me.
GanstaBtchBarbi: robin just apologized to me, so i think we might be okay
GanstaBtchBarbi: and the mat thing, i'm finaly okay with it
acidrainstorm451: nice
acidrainstorm451: well thats good
GanstaBtchBarbi: kissing tristen put a lot of things straight in my head
GanstaBtchBarbi: funny how that goes
acidrainstorm451: right
acidrainstorm451: TRISTEN!TRISTEN! thats what it put in your head.
acidrainstorm451: lol
GanstaBtchBarbi: no
GanstaBtchBarbi: kissing him wasn't like kissing mat, and i thought that when it happened
GanstaBtchBarbi: so i was like "damn, i still like him"
acidrainstorm451: oh
acidrainstorm451: well, that might mean that, it might not
acidrainstorm451: it could really mean anything i wouldent blame it on that quite yet.
GanstaBtchBarbi: but then i started thinking about mat
GanstaBtchBarbi: i like him
GanstaBtchBarbi: oh well
GanstaBtchBarbi: i'm not fighting with it though
GanstaBtchBarbi: i'm just leaving it at that, i like him now
GanstaBtchBarbi: i don't know how i will feel in a week
GanstaBtchBarbi: but that doesn't matter right now
GanstaBtchBarbi: i'll get over him someday, but that doesn't matter right now either
acidrainstorm451: nah, i guess it doesent your right.
GanstaBtchBarbi: and i know that this isn't the most important part of my life, who i like
GanstaBtchBarbi: life will go on no matter what happens
GanstaBtchBarbi: i can be happy
acidrainstorm451: thats right
acidrainstorm451: and damnit find happieness where its found.
acidrainstorm451: this whole "disconnection" thing is making me crazy
acidrainstorm451: its wierd to talk with you and there to be nothing to say.
GanstaBtchBarbi: my sister is four years younger than me and she has had more boyfriends than ihave
GanstaBtchBarbi: two boyfriends in two weeks, more have asked her out
GanstaBtchBarbi: i've had one boyfriend
GanstaBtchBarbi: makes me feel a bit sad
acidrainstorm451: thats the sillyest thing i have ever heard
acidrainstorm451: who cares?
acidrainstorm451: lol
acidrainstorm451: those are not byfriends
GanstaBtchBarbi: i know
acidrainstorm451: thats puppy love
GanstaBtchBarbi: the point is, she already has admirers
acidrainstorm451: come on hunny. this is life, not middle school.
acidrainstorm451: uh-huh
acidrainstorm451: like that matters
GanstaBtchBarbi: i want to be liked too!
GanstaBtchBarbi: i know it shouldn't matter
acidrainstorm451: thats what happened to me, when the girls were "exploring" like in middle school. i was like all hottie or something, i could get a girl whenever i wanted. but as soon as they grew up, i suck. and all the sudden im mister ugly that can never get what he wants.
acidrainstorm451: i wish anyone would like me.
acidrainstorm451: but now that i have that it sucks
acidrainstorm451: i wish who i wanted would like me
acidrainstorm451: that sounds better.
GanstaBtchBarbi: yeah
GanstaBtchBarbi: i wish who i wanted liked me too
GanstaBtchBarbi: i guess you just have to deal, move on, or make them like you lol
acidrainstorm451: well just for giggles, like i still wish you liked me. even though im not there. sorry, it was a fast thought.
GanstaBtchBarbi: that's okay
acidrainstorm451: well thats the easiest example.
acidrainstorm451: no, i still dont know what the deal was with that, but i blame it on you likeing mat, cause im sick of saying im ugly.
acidrainstorm451: lol
GanstaBtchBarbi: fair enough
GanstaBtchBarbi: i did like him then, too much to like someone else
acidrainstorm451: ok
GanstaBtchBarbi: i miss having someone, a guy, in my life
acidrainstorm451: me too... a girl that is.
GanstaBtchBarbi: i'm usualy single, so i'm used to feeling this way
acidrainstorm451: right, im kinda used to it too
acidrainstorm451: and it sucks
GanstaBtchBarbi: it's weird though. cus everytime i think that, i think of mat. it's not wanting someone, it's wanting him
GanstaBtchBarbi: and i'm NOT used to that
acidrainstorm451: and what i picture to be perfect and how i would like it most of the time seems impossible.
acidrainstorm451: yeah
acidrainstorm451: well i can think of something to say to that
acidrainstorm451: if thats what it would take i would let you call me mat for even a kiss. heh.
GanstaBtchBarbi: lmao
acidrainstorm451: now thats desperation.
acidrainstorm451: dirty desperation.
GanstaBtchBarbi: yeah it is
GanstaBtchBarbi: loser!
acidrainstorm451: oh thanks
acidrainstorm451: hottie!
acidrainstorm451: girliwantmakeoutwithandcurrentlyholdforever!
acidrainstorm451: LOL
GanstaBtchBarbi: haha
GanstaBtchBarbi: ouch
GanstaBtchBarbi: that hurt
acidrainstorm451: i know
acidrainstorm451: the truth hurts
GanstaBtchBarbi: mmhmm
GanstaBtchBarbi: i guess i'm just going to have to deal with it then
GanstaBtchBarbi: lol
acidrainstorm451: yeah, cause you care about as much as a pig covered in mud.
GanstaBtchBarbi: lol
acidrainstorm451: see now that hurts to me alot, but i just pretend it doesent anymore.
GanstaBtchBarbi: i'm sorry
acidrainstorm451: mmmmhmmm
acidrainstorm451: i know this is kinda tuff convo. but bear with me here.
GanstaBtchBarbi: ok
acidrainstorm451: see its funny to me, that we both know whats up. and we know how each of us feel about whom and eachother. but nothing seems to matter. and some days i find that ok. and others it bugs me.
GanstaBtchBarbi: what do you mean by "nothing seems to matter"?
acidrainstorm451: i mean. i dont understand why its not possible for you and i to hit it off. and like eachother, instead of this one sided thing, were i like you and it stops. now i do know what im saying is ridiculous, and its about to get worse. cause i like you soo much. that when i do go back to NH, if ever do, number one thing on my mind is you.
GanstaBtchBarbi: i know how you feel, i have been in your place so many times. i never understood either
GanstaBtchBarbi: i just don't feel anything for you
GanstaBtchBarbi: and no offense, but you're not the only person i open up to
acidrainstorm451: ....:-(
GanstaBtchBarbi: it's nothing against you
GanstaBtchBarbi: i don't know how to say it and make it sound real
GanstaBtchBarbi: but it's the truth
acidrainstorm451: but it is, and it amazes me that you cant see that.
GanstaBtchBarbi: fine, its about you. but you can't change how i feel
GanstaBtchBarbi: and i can't change how i feel
GanstaBtchBarbi: and it doesn't make you any less of a good person or attractive guy
acidrainstorm451: yeah, i dont know why i set my self up for these over and over again. i always know where they are gonna go but i always try. im sorry
acidrainstorm451: and no it doesent matter, im always attractive, but never enough for anyone
acidrainstorm451: and im sick of it
GanstaBtchBarbi: lmao
GanstaBtchBarbi: you sound like me
acidrainstorm451: and i dont know why i purposly set myself up tonight to make myself upset.
acidrainstorm451: i know i do
acidrainstorm451: thats why i though we understood eachother
GanstaBtchBarbi: i understand where you are coming from
GanstaBtchBarbi: i have delt with some of the same things as you, it's not a huge connection
GanstaBtchBarbi: we are different people, with different views
acidrainstorm451: its not that i felt that was the main connectoin, but i feel that we are good friends. and i thought good friends. was important to a good relationship someday. not to say that i was building it up to this, cause i do like to be your friend. but it still bugs me cause i like you.

dealing with people is tough. the sad thing is, this is a typical convo with him. about once a week he tells me he likes me, he asks me about mat, he has to talk about this summe.

i talk to him, cus i like having someone to complain to. i don't think he gets that it's not just him i talk to that openly. i tell pretty much anyone important stuff about me, it doesn't bother me. it seems like he thinks that there is some connection. or he just wants me to think there is a connection so he can hook up with me if he ever comes to new hampshire. i don't care which. i don't like him, i don't care that much. let him say what he will as long as it isn't chaning my opinion on anything.

still, not so much fun to deal with.

oh, posted before, it didn't work out.

my life was finaly getting good, so why did i chose to fuck it up? i really want to know.

Life isn’t so great for me at the moment, but I did learn from my mistakes.

I was angry with Robin before, and Tristen. I was sick of listening to both of them, and not being able to do anything. I felt like I should be supporting them, and I couldn’t figure how to support them both.

This showed me how who matters to me. I’m siding with Robin. No matter how many times Tristen tells me I did nothing wrong, and Robin is reacting poorly, I still think I messed up. I don’t know how much this means, since she doesn’t trust me anymore, but at least I know how I feel.

After Robin kept bringing up Tristen and I, and I had those conversations with Tristen, I started thinking about where he stands in my eyes. I used to like him, and I’ve been saying that I am attracted to him, but that’s just part of our friendship, I wouldn’t want to date him. I don’t feel attracted to him anymore, at all. I don’t want to date him.

Kissing Tristen also made me realize that I still like Mat, a lot. I kept thinking I was getting over him, heh no such luck. Yeah, and kissing tristen was nothing like kissing mat. Kissing tristen, was just kissing, I could feel that I didn’t like him as more than a friend. Kissing mat, I felt like I had no choice lol, if I got the chance, I was going to kiss him.

littlemissalibi: i realli love him.
GanstaBtchBarbi: i know
GanstaBtchBarbi: he loves you too, from what i see
littlemissalibi: some of the things i have been hearing don't sound a lot like that
GanstaBtchBarbi: i dunno
GanstaBtchBarbi: he's stupid
GanstaBtchBarbi: really
GanstaBtchBarbi: lol
littlemissalibi: Torrie Crimes: he was tryin to be all cool last night, tryin to slip stuff about lindsay in. haha he's so proud of being a dillhole it's kinda funny
littlemissalibi: what about lindsay?
Torrie Crimes: tryin to make suggestions at fuckin her even though he probably didnt, cause he's lied about shit liek that before. lmao
littlemissalibi: that is what i mean
GanstaBtchBarbi: oh
GanstaBtchBarbi: lol
littlemissalibi: Torrie Crimes: he said that she said "ian wont call me cocksucker anymore, he'll call me cockfucker." then i told him i would still call her cock sucker and he wa slike "no ,you dont understand"
littlemissalibi: Torrie Crimes: seriously, I dont even trust him not to hurt you, about 50 more times, and it's not even my boyfriend. for christ sakes thats like trusting a scorpian not to sting you
littlemissalibi: has he said anything to you?
Torrie Crimes: i really dont know if he has. i know he wanted to screw liz from borders, and i know last night he was trying to suggest he put the dick to lindsay, but he has lied about that crap before.
littlemissalibi: ya
Torrie Crimes: all though it really wouldnt suprise me at all either way
littlemissalibi: ya
GanstaBtchBarbi: tristen and i were joking about that last night
littlemissalibi: i know
littlemissalibi: i trust u guys
littlemissalibi: lol
GanstaBtchBarbi: yeah
GanstaBtchBarbi: unlike my mom
GanstaBtchBarbi: lol
littlemissalibi: lol
littlemissalibi: DONT HAVE SEX!
littlemissalibi: lmao
GanstaBtchBarbi: why not?
littlemissalibi: pptthh!
GanstaBtchBarbi: not even if it's not with tristen?
GanstaBtchBarbi: lol
littlemissalibi: lol ok then that's fine
GanstaBtchBarbi: okay
littlemissalibi: just please. not with tristen.
littlemissalibi: lol
GanstaBtchBarbi: okay
littlemissalibi: :*
littlemissalibi: lol
littlemissalibi: this would be quite the friendship strain for us if i really was a psycho bitch
littlemissalibi: lmao
GanstaBtchBarbi: yeah
GanstaBtchBarbi: thanks for not being psycho!
littlemissalibi: haha
GanstaBtchBarbi: i'm sick of bein single
GanstaBtchBarbi: blah
GanstaBtchBarbi: it's boring
GanstaBtchBarbi: and lonely
littlemissalibi: you should go for sanders
littlemissalibi: lol
GanstaBtchBarbi: HAHAHAHHAH
GanstaBtchBarbi: you're funny
GanstaBtchBarbi: but i should be goin now
GanstaBtchBarbi: so byes
littlemissalibi: lol
littlemissalibi: hav fun
littlemissalibi: byes

…and then I kissed him. what's wrong with me? why did i think it was worth it? i just wasn't thinking. i wanted to kiss him because i wanted someone to kiss, and he is my friend, and i know with him it doesn't mean anything more than just that. i wanted to have someone to hold me for a few seconds. if i had thought about it, i would have known that it isn't worth it, at all. robin means so much more to me than a kiss, do i even have to say that? it sounds silly it's so obvious, to me.

robin, i know we talked about this before. i know i said i didn't want to hurt you. i knew it would hurt you. i guess, i never thought it would come to that so soon. i still can't believe a guy would have an interest in me in any way. i didn't... you were right when you said every action has a consequence, i know, i was thinking that today walking through the hall at school. i haven't stopped thinking about this for more than ten seconds straight. i wasn't thinking about the consequences, i just put that out of my mind. i shoulnd't have.

so i guess all i can do now is take responsibility for what i did. i fucked up. i fucked up bad. i forgot that people don't see things the way i see them. not thinking is my fault, because it was my choice. i chose to stop caring. i shouldn't have. not only for robin's sake, for mine too. i'm not like that. i don't want to be like that. i hate that person. i am so sick of being the nice one though. so sick of listening to tristen and robin at the same time, trying to make them both feel better, when they are standing at opposite sides. i am so sick of telling everyone how i feel, like this blog, and getting nothing back. but i don't want to be the person who doesn't care.

in case you care, yeah all of you who now have this address, i don't want tristen anymore. i never wanted to date him. now i don't even want to kiss him. because it wasn't about him. for me, it wasn't about him. that's why i could stop thinking about the consequences with robin. i know, i know, i wrote last night that i wanted it and that it was partly out of jealousy of robin. i don't know, maybe it was jealousy. i changed my mind though. i don't think it was tristen for any reason other than he is a guy who is my friend who i know that if i kiss him he won't think i like him or want to go out with him. i don't like him. i don't want a boyfriend right now. blah, but that's another story, one i've told over and over in here, i won't bore you by going into it again. but hey! since my blog addy has been passed out to other people, you can go read it all! read about how i act when i like the guy i'm kissing. go ahead, then feel free to post on my tagboard how pathetic i am. or how much of a bitch i am, prefereably for reasons i missed, no need to make this more redundant.

hey, there's a reason why i refer to myself as an asshole in the title to this and my login name refers to me as a bitch. nope, not making me feel better, i suck.

i keep trying to use caps. you know when i write properly? when i'm upset and serious. i don't believe in caps, but i needed them for that last post.

i wish i were a better person.

Okay, I really hope that writting this in here is the right thing to do. I just want to be honest, but I'm afraid it might do more damage than good.

Tristen and I kissed.

I think it gets to me because I am disappointed in myself. What’s bothering me most, is thinking about Tristen only doing this to hurt Robin. The, too late, realization that he is going to tell this to Ian just so that Ian will tell Robin. It doesn’t bother me that this means he used me, I can defend myself, in that case it was my mistake, and I should pay for it, I need to learn who to trust. I’m on the verge of tears right now thinking about being an aide in Tristen hurting Robin, I don’t want to be the knife that stabs her in the back. I really do love her.

I didn’t mean to kiss Tristen, when I asked him to go out with me tonight, I wasn’t even thinking about having to deal with that type of thing. Robin bugs me sometimes with how she is around guys.

Like last year with the Derek thing, and more importantly this summer when she got too close to Mat for me to be okay with. To me, it felt like she was throwing it in my face. Like when we were at her house and she jumps on his back and asks him to give her a ride to the car cus she has no shoes on; that’s no big. Her then, retelling for the tenth time, about a similar situation in the winter when she was practically naked, and how it pissed off his girlfriend, and how it showed that he didn’t care about her; now that hurt, it was like being told that he didn’t give a fuck about me either.

The thing is, I knew this would happen, eventually, I was thinking about it just today, thinking about how something would probably happen with him and me within the next month and a half or so. For me, I don’t think it really means much. It means something, how could it not? From where I’m sitting now, I don’t think I would date him any time soon, I have no interest like that. It just kind of happened, I didn’t see it coming till it was too late.

But I can’t claim no responsibility, because I knew it would happen. Maybe I should have been more careful, protected against it. I don’t want to mess with my relationship with him too much just because he is Robin’s ex. I want to hang out with him, and I don’t think that there is anything wrong with that, if it hurts Robin she is just going to have to deal, and she knows that and understands that. This was probably going too far. Tristen and I always flirted, arguing over whose tongue is cuter, spit wars, but that’s how Tristen is, and I’m learning that that’s how I am too, with friends of the opposite sex. For that reason I didn’t think anything would happen. At the same time, I just knew that something would. I didn’t expect it tonight though, I honestly didn’t. But I should have, I expected something, so I should have been prepared tonight.

It took me off guard. He was holding my hands back and I was trying to put a band-aide on his face, then he’s pulled me onto his lap. He’s lying there in the driver seat of his car, and I’m sitting on his lap, and I knew it wasn’t good. This is where I become a crappy friend. So he’s been holding my wrists, but when I got on to his lap, his fingers loosened, and his hands were next to/on mine. Then he tries to lick my face, once again, this typically means nothing. I tried to get him back, but I couldn’t reach. He kept sticking out his tongue, and I knew he was going to kiss me, and I avoided it and tried to play it off for a bit, but then I just gave up. I was thinking that I knew it would come to this eventually, why not now. Then we had to go, because I was late home already. As soon as I was off of him, I wanted to pretend like it didn’t happen.

This is just like the last time this happened. It digs at me. I didn’t understand before. I thought maybe I felt used, or embarrassed, or it was kissing someone. Now I get it, I just felt guilty, like I do now. Sorry Robin, I hope you can forgive me.

What did I say about not wanting to deal with talking about relationships? Huh?! Well since I said it, of course I had to deal with it. Partly my fault, I’ll admit, but not completely.

redxorxblue: ok, he deserves to die..
redxorxblue: but don't you still like him??
redxorxblue: (at least that's what he tells me!)
GanstaBtchBarbi: yeah
GanstaBtchBarbi: so what does he tell you about me?
redxorxblue: so you still like him, but he's an evil asshole that deserves to die
redxorxblue: he doesn't tell me much
redxorxblue: pretty much just who you are and that you still like him
GanstaBtchBarbi: lol
GanstaBtchBarbi: yeah, i'm an idiot
redxorxblue: why?
redxorxblue: because you still like him?
GanstaBtchBarbi: yeah
redxorxblue: ah
redxorxblue: why are you an idiot for still liking him?
GanstaBtchBarbi: well he doesn't like me, so i should move on, but i haven’t yet
redxorxblue: he says"i never said that, she just assumes that".

So I was joking with the Mat being an asshole and deserving to die thing. I was talking to Isaac on Mat’s SN, I was bored, didn’t mean anything. Only, with him bringing up me liking Mat… it does kind of piss me off how Mat tells everyone that I like him. He told Elisabeth when they were going out, do you know embarrassing that is? The guy I like telling the girl I hate, who he happens to be dating, that I like him, let’s just give her a reason to think she’s better than me! Let’s just point out that you are choosing her over me! Let’s make her feel better and Lindsay feel worse! That’s probably not why he told her, but that’s how I see it. He tells this guy he doesn’t know that well that I still like him. Yeah, so let’s tell everyone about the pathetic girl back home that you’re just friends with, but still has a huge crush on you. Excellent, makes him look good and me look bad. I’m really loving how this works. Oh yeah, he never said that he doesn’t like me, I did assume that, but that doesn’t mean I’m wrong. I could be wrong, but I have no reason to think that he does like me. I’m not going to get my hopes up, thinking about him liking me, just to get crushed if I’m wrong. No crushing if I never think he likes me, if I’m wrong or right. Of course part of me wants to ask him, but my theory on life is “avoid rejection at all costs”. I really don’t want to hear him say that he has no feelings for me like that.

freddy furious: you mask your lust 4 me so you dont get rejected
freddy furious: it would kill u inside
GanstaBtchBarbi: exactly
freddy furious: :-P
GanstaBtchBarbi: it would
GanstaBtchBarbi: rejection sucks
GanstaBtchBarbi: avoid it at all costs
GanstaBtchBarbi: that's my theory on life
GanstaBtchBarbi: then inflict pain on those who would have rejected you
freddy furious: i guess that explains why yer so nice to me
freddy furious: :-)
GanstaBtchBarbi: heheh
freddy furious: how could one reject the lindsay?
GanstaBtchBarbi: well, i don't know, but many have
freddy furious: it simply cant be done. i mean one would have to be clinically insane
GanstaBtchBarbi: you being one of them

You know what? Fuck that! He must have liked me at some point; he’s a damn idiot if he didn’t. The way I see it, he acted like he liked me, I could be misinterpreting, but I think he did like me for a while there. I haven’t gotten over him yet; he probably hasn’t gotten over me yet either. So maybe I’m wrong, maybe he is over me, I don’t know. But given the option to think what I want, why should I choose to think that the guy I still like doesn’t like me? Saying that that doesn’t crush me is crap; of course it crushes me, every time I think it. Saying it doesn’t, was like him saying that by staying with Elisabeth he was only hurting one person. He said that way he only hurt her when they broke up when he left as opposed to him dumping her for me and then it would hurt her then and me when he left. Well fuck that, like it didn’t hurt me to talk to him, and spend time with him knowing that I couldn’t have him? That I had not chance, because he was going out with her, and had chosen to stay with her. Really Mat, in what reality would that not hurt someone? That still gets to me too. Did he just not realize? Doubtful. He chose to hurt me instead of her. It makes sense I guess, she was his girlfriend (by the way, why do I keep falling into this? Really? It’s a pattern with me, and it sucks, I’m sick of it.). I hate it when people can’t just be straightforward with their actions. Why couldn’t he just say, “Hey Linds, I like you and all, but she means more to me/I feel like I have more of a responsibility to her than I do to you/I like her more/I’m more attracted to her than I am to you, so nothing is going to happen with us”. Sorry, I got of subject there. There are still things about Mat that I wonder about… like why I wasn’t good enough for him/how Elisabeth was more worth it. The point of this add-on to my post was: I don’t know if Mat likes me still, I have no real reason to think he does or doesn’t, so I chose to think that he does. If I’m wrong, he can tell me so, or just deal and laugh at me.
=P

i don't want to be sad anymore. i don't want to look down on myself anymore. i don't want to hate the way i look half of the time. i want to think that i do deserve to get a guy. i want to feel good enough.

geeeeeeeraaaaaaaaaarrrahhhhh i don't know anymore, i just don't know. life is so... much. so everything. it's there, all the time, there is no escape. been thinking about how i'm going to be gone in a year. it's exciting, and i can't wait. but it means that everything i have now, is gone. i used to hate the idea of losing someone. i can deal now. but i don't know what this says about my friendships. life is scary, and it keeps getting more intense, and this is nothing compared to moving somewhere where i know no one. here i don't have many friends, but i know who the people in my school are. i know the area. i suck at making friends, i'm afraid of change... next year. it's going to be so much. i still want to run and hide from people, from relationships, from living. i'm scared of living, scared of reality, be it good or bad. i've been thinking about mat a lot the past few days, i think about holding him, and kissing him. it's comforting, because it isn't real. i don't want to remember, because then i would have to deal, and that's too much pain for me to unnecesarily force upon myself just now.