mat's gone.
in some ways, it feels like he was never here. sometimes i feel like he has slipped away from me, i talk to him online, and online doesn't seem real. it's talking without consequence, you can't really believe anything said online. he's so far away, and i don't even know when i will see him next. that makes him seem unreal, as if i made him up, or imagined him.
in other ways, i can't seem to shake him. i was lying in my bed reading, and i felt like he was lying there too, with his arms around me. sometimes i can't think of anything but him. whenever i stop thinking about whatever i'm doing, i remember him.
i both like and hate thinking about him. i love to remember when he was here, because he makes me happy. i hate it, because it reminds me that i can't have him.
i just deleted three paragraphs of writing because i want to change how i write in this. everything has to be so long and dramatic with me. i reread the beginning of this, and i want to go back and slap myself. i keep saying this, and then i write more crap which frusterates me months later. i guess that means i am growing. still.... the repetition is just silly.
do i have anything new to say? i've been questioning reality again. nothing seems real at all. it seems like i'm dreaming. i have control over everything that is happening in my life, only my current consciousness did not determine any of it. maybe i planned all of this last year, or ten years ago, and now i'm living it out. nothing i do seems to matter. life is life. it's going to keep going without me.
when i was a little kid i had a bunch of imaginary friends, i don't remember any of this, but my mom has told me many times. there were exel frexel and eggo peggo who lived in my closest. i had a daughter named marta, she lived in the closest too, she died though, because she didn't like me. the most important of my imaginary friends was dit. he was my best friend, and i did everything with him, he didn't live in the closet.
i talked to adam for a long time on christmas eve about robin. he told me a lot of stuff i didn't want to hear. pretty much he said that robin lied in her journal when she talked about the night she spent with him when she was supposed to be at my house. according to him they had been fooling around under the covers before mat and dave even left. he said that they were fooling around for awhile after mat and dave left, but when he tried to take robin's pants off she told him she didn't want to have sex with him. robin is my friend, and when she says that nothing happened i want to believe her, but i believed adam when he told me this.
i've questioned robin before, but this has stuck with me. the idea of her lieing like that really bothers me. it means she lied to everyone, including tristen, and she lied about adam.
i didn't want to talk to robin about this because i was afraid of being wrong. i believed adam over my friend, and i know how it feels when your friends believe lies about you and your character. i didn't want to do that to her. what i realized, is that it doesn't matter if i tell her what i think, i still stopped believing her when adam told me that. i have doubts in her character. i guess back when i was a freshman my friends had doubts about my character too, because what they heard about me without asking me for the truth. that hurts to think about, but i guess there's nothing i can do about it, and there's nothing they could do about it, it was what they felt. i don't trust robin. she said she had trust issues with me after i kissed tristen. well i have always had isssues with trusting her. it's why we were never all that close. she's fun to hang out with and talk to. i didn't want to get too close though, i didn't think i could trust her with everything. then i found myself intimate friends with her, and i haven't known what to do since then. i keep having these moments of doubt about our friendship, but i always go back to being her friend. this time feels different. i guess it's because i'm not just doubting how much of a friend she is to me. i've realized that the issue goes both ways. i don't trust her, so that means i'm not being a good friend to her.
speaking of the night i kissed tristen. last friday, after i said good bye to mat, i talked to tristen online for a while. that kiss came up in conversation. i don't remember why, but i ended up telling him about how i felt that night, after the kiss. as soon as i pulled away it felt like a mistake. in that moment i didn't regret it because of how it could hurt robin, or my friendship with her. i regretted it because i felt how much i still liked mat, and i realized that i had kissed another guy. i wrote in here about how much i liked him, but then i went and kissed tristen. actions speak louder than words, and look at what i had done. i realized that when mat found out, he would have good reason to doubt everything i had said about how i felt about him. i hated the thought that i could have blown any future chance i might have had of being with him. that's what felt wrong. i never wanted to hurt robin, but she never cared about hurting me, so she wasn't the one i worried about.
tristen told me that if you let other people make decisions in your life, you aren't living your life. i don't know to what extent i believe that, but it made me think of my friendship with robin. i don't think i have any control in my friendship with her. i don't pick the movies we watch, i don't really pick when we hang out, or what we do. she makes so many decisions for me, and that i think about that shows that i wasn't always happy with the choices i went along with. when i'm with robin, i don't get to live my life, i just get to follow her along in her's. which is why it was so much fun to make-out with mat that night with her around. i have seen her and tristen cuddle and kiss so many times. now it was my turn to be selfish. it seemed to freak her out and i couldn't help laughing at that. she doesn't know everything about me. i don't think she always gets that. she thinks we are so close and she knows so much about me, but there are sides of me she hasn't seen. i'm sure that there are lots of things about her that i don't know, and sides of her i haven't seen too.
jenn and mat are the two people who i think have seen the most of me. i think they've seen more sides of me than everyone else has. there are different sides to my personality, that doesn't make me fake, it makes me human.
chris webber told me that i act differently when i am around mat. it's true. i do act differently depending on who i am around, and how many people i am around. i like that i can be a different person around mat, it means that i feel comfortable around him.
speaking of webber. he pisses me off. however, i do not hate him. he thought i hated him, but the thing is, i don't care enough about him to hate him. he comes across as really fake. i don't believe what he says to me, not only because i don't trust people that easy, but because he doesn't seem trustworthy.
i feel bad, and that's why i talk to him so much. that first night i knew him, i made it seem like i was interested in him. that's because i kind of was. i thought he was cute, and i admitted that to robin when she asked what i thought of him. she then told him to hit on me. so we talked that night at the radio station, i probably flirted. god that night was weird. i remember thinking it felt weird to go back and forth between talking with him and talking with mat. i wanted to flirt with chris, get to know him, he seemed like he was interested in me, and i needed someone to distract me from mat (who had a girlfriend and clearly wasn't going to become single any time soon). it was odd to go from trying to flirt with him, to trying not to flirt with mat. then we were at mat's house, and it was time to go to bed. i refused to decide where i was going to sleep because i knew i wanted to be near mat, but didn't want him to know that (i didn't want him to know that i liked him. when i asked her, robin said that she hadn't told mat i liked him. i believed her, eventualy, because he still talked to me, i figured he would have started to ignore me by then if he knew how i felt). i ended up on the couch, with chris on the floor next to me. we started talking again, and he mentioned that he wanted to kiss me. at first i wanted him to kiss me, then the more he talked i felt impatient, i wanted him to kiss me quick and get it over with, i was losing interest quick. then mat said something, i still don't know how long he had been listening to us for. lol i felt embareassed when i realized that mat was there, i realzied how desperate i had been in trying to forget about him. when mat stayed with lis, i talked to chris online a lot. he had some long conversations, lol i kept him up till ridicuous hours like 3 and 4 in the morning. heh i had forgotten how little sleep i got back then. i watched "fight club" for the first time around then. i watched it lying on the couch, he talked about having insomnia and i laughed at him, until i realized that i hadn't been sleeping right for weeks. back to chris, i talked to him a lot online because i couldn't sleep and i wanted a guy who cared about me. mat was with lis, and that hurt a lot. chris talked like i was the most important thing to him. of course i didn't believe it, but it was nice to hear him tell me that he thought i was attractive. i wanted so bad for somene to want me then. oh jeez i guess i'm still bitter. back to the point. now i feel bad for him, because i did kind lead him on. that was selfish and mean. so now i feel like i should talk to him, and not just blow him off. but his attiude pisses me off a lot. he can be so damn cocky. i hate it. i really hate how he acts like he can win me over, and how negative he can be about mat. mat is a good guy. even if he isn't, i'm convinced he is. chris always talks to me as if one of these days i'm going to wake up and start liking him and not mat. he acts like he is better than mat. in my estimation, he really isn't. mat is a nice person, and honest, and so damn cute. chris, well he's just not. i dont know what else to say on this one. let's summarize since that passage was so long: i talk to chris mostly because i feel guilty for leading him on and because i don't hate him and need people to talk to. he is a cocky ass, and i'm really not attracted to him in any way. i was very jealous of lis all summer.
whaaaaaaaat else????????????? i think i'm done
