could my life be anymore upside down.. possibly, but it is pretty damn messed up right now

Talking to Spencer made me want to cry! I feel so sad at the thought that Jenn wants to break up with him!

When I was on the bus it was just making me depressed, so I said to myself, "Just think about Jamie and Derek", lmao.

Thinking about Derek going out with Jamie chears me up after think about Spencer and Jenn breaking up depressed me. hehehe

Ahhhhh I might have to shoot Robin. Why? Argh cus I am an idiot. How then is that her fault? Well she is the reason why my idiodisity is an issue right bout now. So she told me that I should get to know Mat. Little did she know, or maybe she guessed, that I already kinda like him. Why? Well because he is just the type of guy that I fall for. I don't know what it is about guys that I like, but whatever it is, he has it.

When I first meet a guy, I know if I will, at some time, be interested in him. I don't necessarily know it consciously, but I do know it. Either I have an interest, or I don't, that's just how it is. The first time I saw Mat, lol yeah... he is the type that I will like. I think I knew it then too.

So yeah, then I thought he was a sweetie, only I thought he liked Robin, which he probably did. Then he got a girlfriend. Then I hung out with them and Robin last week. Then he and his girlfriend broke up. Then Robin said that I should get to know him. Then I talked to him online today. Then I saw him tonight for like ten seconds while I was at work.

Ugh. This has the potential to being the worst crush that I have ever had. After talking to him online earlier tonight, my hands got all shaky, and that I have had too much caffeine feeling didn't go away all night. Then I saw him, and I couldn't help blushing every time I thought of him.

Gargh, I suck. I like guys who will never like me back, and then I just... well I don't need to talk about it. And now he has gone away, and I feel sad like this: =*( <-- that's me being sad in case you couldn't tell.

Ugh I really need to stop. Nothing will ever happen. He will never like me. Nothing will ever happen. He will never like me. Nothing will ever.... boohoohoohoo tear tear

Not to mention the fact that this is the third guy I have liked who DJed at 99rock. Shoot me now!!!!!!!!!!!

So Robin you suck! Never give me a guy's SN again! heheheheh and I promise to never give one to you again either.

I need to stop. What I should do, is just not talk to him ever again... only I don't want to! I like talking to him, and I keep telling myself that we could be friends.

I wrote stuff last night, but it wouldn't let me post. So I saved it on my computer, but that is there, and this is here (in school). lol I'm going to post that first chance i get, but I need to write now, so I will be redundant, whatever, I think I will forgive myself.

When was the last time that I was this happy? When I was this sick?! Didn't get much sleep last night, partly because I kept caughing, and felt like I was going to suffocate, and partly cus I was so damn jittery. Eeeeeeeee Really, only Derek made me jittery like this before.

Funny how easily I lost interest in him. After talking to another one day.

Ugh, I am sick. Sickness is not fun. Going now so that I don't get in trouble.

I want to write, but I feel so pathetic! So obsessive! and I don't even know the guy. Ahhhhh Think of what a bitch it will be to get over him when I am forced to accept the fact that he will never like me back!

damn this is great! So Robin read my blogg, and has this to say:

StEeLmYtEeRz: LINDZ I LUV YOU!
StEeLmYtEeRz: u r my friend!

lmgdmfao! And in what way does that help?! I didn't say that I had no friends! lmao "luv" what, we have to use slang?! Oh, and I just adore how when I'm upset, the way she attempts to make me feel better is by reasurring me that she is my friend. Like the fact that she is there is going to make my feeling inadequate better.

Oh, so she had sex with Tristen. Told me only in the "Jamie is making fun of me for sleeping iwht Tristen way". Yeah, we are real good friends if you don't tell me when you loose your virginity. Damn Robin, we are close. But hey, what are friends for?

So funny though. I was telling my brother just tuesday how it would be less than a month or two before she lost her virginity to him. And hey, the sooner the better I guess, cus who knows how long they will last together!

I am being really mean tonight! Do I care? Not a bit!

Tonight I lost the one person I thought would always be there for me. They attacked me, locked me in a car, walked away from my question to them, told me I am not worth spending $25 on every few months, oh and then called me a liar. Yippee!

I got a Buffy haircut though! I made the lady decide what to do with it, I give up on hoping for my hair to look how I want it to, cus it will never be straight and well behaved! I was thinking yesteday though, about how I want hair like Buffy in the first season, cus it's so cute. Then the lady cut it like Buffy's, only an inch or so shorter.

I really hope that I can make my hair look like this again. Cus it makes me happy.

wednesday:

Breathe in, breathe out. I want to break something.

My mom comes home, looks pissed, I ask her how she is, she tells me crappy and blahblahblah. It isn't that I don't care that she doesn't feel good, butright now I dodn't have enough respect for her to find her complaints worthy of note.

She stomps around the house, suddenly provokedby someting, complaining about this and that. Yelling at my sister and I. Okay, I deal, yeah we could do more around the house, I continue to try and restart the woodstove that Emma leet die while I was upstairs. Mom stomps around some more. She sure is noisy and active for someone who doesn't feel too good. I deal with her temper because I understnad that people aren't at their nicest when they don't feel good.

One of the things she complained about was the luandry. In our house the laundry gets done once a week, all at the same time. Then gets folded and put on my parents bed, where everyone goes and picks up their own. I took all of my laundry yesterday. Stupidly i left the bin of folded laundry downstairs instead of bringing it up. So I took the bin today and started to sort it out onto the couch (thinking that it would be better to sort it there, then put it in people's rooms than to sort it on mom's bed and leave it there like usual. I figured she would want to go to bed since she didn't feel good, and didn't want her to have to deal with laundry on her bed that people hadn't come to pick up yet). I fold the piece on top, it was clearly unfolded, and she starts bitching about how it's all folded except for the one on top. Well since that was the one I was folding, this rude comment was unnecessary. Then she goes on about how I shouldn't be doing it on the couch, I tell her that I thought she would want to go lie down, she yells at me saying she wants to watch tv and bring the laundry upstairs. Then she pretty much tells me to shut up.

Terrific. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

My mom is so good at making me feel like shit! She just has this attitude that her life would be so much better if I just weren't in it. She makes me feel like I am fundementaly flawed, and that everything is wrong with me, and I will never be able to fix myself in any way that will make her want to have anything to do with me, ever. Sometimes she is nice, but most of the time she just makes it clear that she hates me.

I'm not smart enough for her, or I don't work hard enough in school or something. My grades have never been good enough for her, no matter how hard I try. I got my report card yeterday. So she sees my brothers and assumes that I had hid mine. Great. No bitch, you just walked by the table he left his out on before you walked by the table that I left mine out on. The best part is, I was walking to her with the damn thing in my hand as she was demanding that I give her mine, actually standing right fucking behind her, cus she can't goddamn turn the fuck around to see me standing there. No, she would rather assume that I am an awful person and ashamed of my grades. As I was walking over with it she asked me how I did, so I told her that I got honor roll, "Well that doesn't mean anything. What grades did you get?". Yeah, cus honor roll isn't good enough, actually she is pissed already cus I didn't get high honors like my brother, not like I didn't already tell her this a week ago when teachers told me my grades. I got two A+'s, two A-'s, and three B's. Yup, no where near good enough. I suck.

I just can't do anything right according to her. The only times she gives me compliments (other than to say that I am pretty, like I give a fuck about that. I have no control over my looks, I want a goddamn compliment about me) is when someone else tells her something nice about me. lmao Funny thing, they always say things about the was I see things, and the way that I think. Aduls, apparently, think that I am smart and have a good outlook on life. hah! Take that everyone who thinks that I need psychiatric help. Yeah, that was me bragging. Yes, I know that you don't care. But guess what! This is my blog, this is me thinking, and that was the thought that came into my head, so that's what I wrote.

Feeling a little better now, only desiring to crush non living things.

Hung out with Robin yesterday. She was going to come pick me up and 2:45 or so, but then she threw up and had to go into work late, and then she wanted to go see her horse, so she picked me up a little after 5. We went to her house, and made a mooooooooovie, and her neighbor's dog slobbered on my pants. It was gross! I looked down and my pants had this shiny stuff on them! Like the trail a snail leaves behind it. Yuck! She got her friends to come pick us up a little later on. So we drove around aimlessly while Robin fought with ehr mom on el telephono. Then we went into the radio station, and Robin and Amber had sex in the bathrooom, and then Robin flashed everyone while trying to show us the reversble nature of her bra. lmao Mat told me that I have the perfect voice to be a comedian, something about you can never tell if I am being serious or sarcastic. People tend to have that problem a lot with me, only no one has ever told me that it means that I have the right voice to be a comedian! That was terific, it made me laugh. S[peaking of which, I use sarcasm a lot more than I realize. I was talking to this guy online, and I said something, and he was like, "Wait, you were being sarcastice there right?". My first reaction was, "I didn't just say something sarcastic", then I went back to check, yup, definite sarcasm. ahhhhhhhh that was great.

So now I get to add another badass thing to my list of me being badass! The list up to date:
1) sharing a sleeping bag with a boy
2) watching rated R movies before asking my parents if it was ok
3) leaving Robin's house last night when I told my mom that I would be at Robin's.

Woops, forgot to call and tell her that we were going out. hah and I am sure that she would love that I went to the radio station, cus she was so excited when I went the last time. (that was sarcastic. She freaked when she found out that I went last year. hah why wasn't that badass? Cus I asked my dad if I could go. lol My mom was unavailable (really! she was off somewhere, and she didn't leave a note!))

I want to post that in my other blog so badly. I really do. It isn't that I am in a bad mode, it isn't a vengence thing. I just want to be upfront about all of my feelings. There is so much there that I just want to tell everyone, but I don't feel like I should

Wow. Derek is a person, with feelings, who can get hurt… never thought about him in that way before.

Not such a good thing for me to have to admit cus it just goes back to the whole obsessed with someone who doesn’t exist. If I can’t see him as a person, then I am in love with a false image. I kinda took his name, and developed this fantasy around him. That’s a lot of why it hurts me so much to hear about him and… girls. Yeah, try real hard and figure out what the blank represents, cus I felt a need to censor myself just now.

I feel so bad for him. Past that I never thought about him sad before. He is sad, and with just causes… I hate to see or think of him sad. I want to make it better! But I can’t… cus he doesn’t know me, we aren’t friends, I don’t understand him… I can’t fix it.

I read his little awaysong and part of his blog today in history, and it made me so sad for him. I felt so bad, for him and for how I have always treated him, that I didn’t feel bad for myself. I almost cried on the bus though. It does hurt to think of him and Jamie. Just does. Always has always will.

With him and Elizabeth, I felt dirty and stupid. That I liked a guy whom would use a girl for sex. Also though, even though I know that this is an awful thing to say that I could have fallen for the same tricks that she did. I thought that I was smarter than she was. More, I just felt like I let myself down, cus I did. I always said that I wouldn’t fall for guys like that, and the “players”, cus that is what they do, they play with your emotions and thoughts to get you interested, it’s just a game to them, no emotional attachment on their parts. I always thought that you let yourself get played, I still do. Elizabeth… made me realize that I let myself get played. Maybe everyone was right, maybe he did “like” me, in some sense of the word anyway, as much as a guy like that likes any girl. In the sense of “like” as I define it though, he didn’t. If he had he would have asked me out, and wanted to go on a date, and get to know each other.

With Robin, I was pissed. How could she do that to me?!

With Jamie though, just always hurt. I think it is because of the way she treated me when I liked Tristen. She has never EVER felt threatened by me… she doesn’t see me as a threat. She told Robin once that she would get her chance with Tristen, not me though. She knew me well enough to know that I’m just not what guys want, simple as that. I hate that she took Tristen from me… not that I really had him or anything… but that she took away my first boyfriend. I guess I just hate her for showing me what my life REALLY is, and how pathetic I am. She made me realize how quickly my friends would drop me, how little they trusted and cared about me. ***Side note (haven’t done this in forever!): that’s why I can’t be REAL friends with Mary ever again. She was worse than the rest of them. She didn’t just say fuck you. She pretended to be my friend to be nice, out of fucking charity! Like she didn’t think I could make new friends, thanks a bunch for the faith! Then she talked shit about me behind my back. I annoyed her to the point she didn’t want to be friends with me, but she still pretended to be. I can never fully trust her now. I constantly have to wonder if she really is my friend, and the only answer that I can see, is no.*** Then with Tristen, she showed me how little my first boyfriend cared about me. That he would break up with me within a matter of hours just because he cared more about not hurting her than not hurting me. She made me realize how low I am, that I will never be anyone’s BESTfriend, I will never be anyone’s number one, no one’s favorite, or first pick, just the replacement, never for real. I hate so much that she can get Derek too. She does my life better than I do.

Speaking of which, Robin’s blog mentions emailing J and Derek. She got J’s email from me, and met Derek through me. Why is she closer to them than me?

I can’t let myself get close to anyone. I really don’t trust people. I can’t. Can anyone blame me though? My mom constantly reminds me about how backstabbing kids were to me when I was in elementary school.

Yeah, I learned how cruel people can be young. I think I grew up early. After camp though, I started to regress. I stopped caring about what people thought, and now I want to make up for all of the years lost to me. I was way to self-conscious when I was a kid. Always worried about doing the right thing, and what my mom wanted me to. I didn’t really get to be a kid. So now I try to be! Then people laugh at me. I don’t care… but it separates me from them. And my distrust widens the gap.

Ouchy! My arm is sore! And I can't feel the fingertips of my left hand! I'm not really complaining, but damn does it feel weird!

I love my guitar so much! Just sitting here strumming it makes me happy and sets me at ease. ahhhhhhhh (not a scrream, but the sigh out of contentment kind)

I just feel like such an idiot. Believing that I meant just as much to Tristen as Robin did. I was a fool. He never cared about me, he has always loved her. I believed that Jamie was first, and the rest of us behind. No, it was Jamie, and a quarter inch behind stood Robin, whereas I inhabit an other planet. We might be "friends" now, but what the fuck does that mean anyways?!

So I called Derek today, tried rather. Figured it was time to stop wishing and start acting. He wasn't home. Never gunna happen. Once again, Lindsay is a disillusioned idiot.

I might have a job though! Yippee. I dunno, it wasn't that bad of a job. The money wasn't great, but it was easyish, and not too serious. lol Atleast I kinda know what I am doing. I just hope that she doesn't expect me to help train anyone. But I think she will remind my innability to serve ice cream from last year, and just show me again. I really hope that I remember! If this is one of those things that you forget if you don't do it for a while, I'm screwed. I need to learn how to go faster too. Not that I think that I am truly capable of that since I do everything slowly, I am just slow by nature, and this is reflected in all of my actions (she says as she pounds the keys furiously and rapidly... hitting the delete key way more than any other lol again) speed=sloppy (when it comes to me at least).

Okay, I am going to attempt to write this, using the delete as few times as possible. Most of my errors are in typing a word other than the one I intended to type, a few switched letter, and using this thins ([) instead of the P. lol Well at least I got it right that time, if I had messed up in explaining, well it would have proven my point, not that any one can see that, not even me when i go back, cus I would have deleted it and tried again! (not agian I don't even know what that means! cus it isn't a real word....)

So yup, I suck.

We got our grades in spanish yesterday, I think that she read mine wrong, so I have to wait till we get report cards some time near the end of this week (or so I presume). She definately said that I got an A+... doubful, very doubtful. Although, that is the only type of class that I am capable of getting that type of grade in. I used to have an A+ in French. I'm good with languages, and they are easy. lol I would think that the easy thing is why I do well, but they aren't easy to everyone, so I do well because it is easy to me, not beacause it is simple. Who would have thought that I would be good at speaking. lmao

I am really pissed at my mom right now. Fucking selfish bitch. She has to sit in front of the tv for 3 fucking hours, and can't let me watch my one goddamn show! She always bitches about how she never gets to watch tv. Well today she got home and I went upstairs so that she could have the downstairs all to her fucking self. I never get the downstairs to myself! Only when I am home sick! I try to watch tv, but I can't hear what the people are saying because my mom is always in the next room, and she has to talk over the tv. Oh thanks, visual without sound doesn't count for shit, cus you can't tell what is happening! Bitch. So I come downstairs, "Oh Buffy is on isn't it? Well I'd really like to stay down here, but do you want to watch it?", "Yeah, I really would." and she doesn't fucking move an inch or change the channel. Instead, she sits there watching "Anerican Idol" which she says she hasn't been paying attention to. she doesn't care! Buffy is my show. I have the first three seasons on dvd (which cost about $120). This is something I do care about. And it was a new episode too! There hasn't been a new episode on in weeks! I rarely get to sit there and just watch it either, always have to tape it, or miss it completely. so I tried to tape it, I set it up and put in the tape. Unfortunately she made it sound like she was going to let me watch it when i set it up a few hours ago, so I didn't rewind the tape I taped it on. Yeah, it ran out. Then I tried to rewind the tape to catch the end on an earlier part, but it just started recornding again! In the middle of what I just taped! Fucker!

Op and Robin is gone so I can start to write again. heheheh It isn't mean, I just didn't want her to see that I was writing in this.

Sigh

Maybe I need to stop trying to figure out why I feel like I feel, and just accept HOW I feel. I have feelings for him, talking to him makes me happy. Thus, I should talk to him. If he takes that as me being interested, so be it. But I like talking to him, and I want to hang out with him. Logicaly, I should make an effort to do this. lol Wow, that sure was a hard decision. It shouldn't be about him, it's about me. If he doesn't want to have anything to do with me, well then that is his choice. However, I can't let my doubts stop me from trying to get what I want. Talking to him more should make it clearer what my feelings mean. lol We can hang out as just friends, it is legal... I think.

I can't get over that last line. "ttyl lindz", ugh. So out of character for him to say that! "lindz"?!? Since when did he call me that?! Lol Since uh NEVER. I wonder if it was even him, I mean, it had to have been someone who know's my SN, or else they wouldn't have gotten my name right. I dunno, just so weird. This is what I went to sleep last night thinking about. SO WEIRD. Beyond just that he used my name, cus that always makes me happy. It's like, he knows who I am... I'm not just an IM that keeps responding, but a person that they are talking to. hmmmmmmmm

Gargh, i want him. :( damn me. I think that........ I don't know what to do. Every time that I think I have no more feelings for him, something happens (like I see him, or talk to him) and it all comes right back!

Gotta say my bday last year was the worst example of this. The day before I was talking to Elizabeth about how I was over him. Then I see him, and I had feelings for him again.

Fuck me for getting so attached that I can't let go. I need a surgery! To get the thought of him surgicaly removed!

I tried though, I tried to stop thinking about him. I didn't even try to call him for months. I liked another guy! Then he had to drive by, and wave like he knew me. Damn bastard. Then he had to be on the radio. WTF?! hehhhh Or maybe I did recognize his voice, maybe that's why he made me so happy? Damn you stupid radio boys. heheheh They made me laugh though, like a lot.

hhahahahah Derek made my dream come true! hahahah That is terific.

fucker!

Splitchic3: I don't know how to flirt. lol
Splitchic3: I just realised that
BuffStuf6: you can practice
Splitchic3: lol
Splitchic3: but i don't know what to do
Splitchic3: there in lies the problem
BuffStuf6: you need to smile.. and give subtle hints
Splitchic3: hints at what?
BuffStuf6: try and make the other person smile or laugh is how I flirt
BuffStuf6: but i'm obviously not very good it seems..heh
Splitchic3: uhmmmmmm i'm sorry for your flirtation deficiencies?
BuffStuf6: `ditto
Splitchic3: oh! i have no deficiencies! i just don't know what to do!
Splitchic3: i can flirt, but not when i try

that all just makes me laugh. teeheeheehee!

I B MackN 24 7: im gonna go clean some more..
I B MackN 24 7: so u have fun being bored n stuff :P
Splitchic3: lol
Splitchic3: I will try
I B MackN 24 7: :)
Splitchic3: but I bet yo'll have more fun than me
I B MackN 24 7: oh def :P
I B MackN 24 7: moving stuff
I B MackN 24 7: and throwing away stuff
I B MackN 24 7: should be awesome
Splitchic3: hey ! moving stuff can be fun!
I B MackN 24 7: sometimes :P
Splitchic3: heheh
I B MackN 24 7: ttyl lindz
Splitchic3: yea
Splitchic3: bye

sigh, i'm a loser, and that makes me less sure i don't like him. Like the actually telling me before he walks away. DAMN YOU FOR BEING CONSDERATE! Then with the saying of my name, that always gets me! It always just makes me smile to have someone say my name. For some reason, I see it as showing that they care. hmh Oh well. Can't ever seem to shake him, I just need to accept it lol. The one who got away... before I even got him. lmgdmfao!

Gunight kids!

I am out... or in rather, to bed. heheh Polonius? Is that you?! heheheh See, no one else would get that! Just me, cus of my Hamlet quotes. i love that play. Damn you Shakespeare for being an interesting playwrite! Makes me feel like a geek, cus i get it. lol

I HAVE JUST HAD A BREAK THROUGH! lol I said that Derek wasn't worth it! lol How great is that? I don't like him! Then I was thinking that maybe I would hit on him anyways, just to see if I could get him, cus I want a boyfriend, but then I said it isn't worth it. Now i think that it might be fun to hit on him without having feelings for him, just to see his reaction. lol Maybe I will try hmmmmmmm...

lol If I have the time.

Looking back on posts in my other blog, I just realized that with Robin and the Derek thing... I never posted our fight conversation, just the one that made me sad lol. Tristen posted the "Robin is a bitch and overreacting" conversation. I just posted what made me feel sad and lost, and then what other people said. I didn't post that other convo to make people think that Robin was evil, but because I think that I explained how I was feeling well in it. The guy didn't know how i felt about Derek, so I had to explain quick so he would understand lol. I guess that people like Jamie and Jacqui didn't know the Lindsay/Derek story. Robin only knew (lol or so I thought) how I felt about him until this year, when I told her some of what happened. Jenn knows all of the Derek stories, and she was there when they happened. Amanda and Mary know all that happened that year too.

I was a bitch to Mary that year. She liked him first, but I went after him. I am so sorry for that, I shouldn't have acted like I did. I guess, she was how I realized that I did like him, cus I got jealous of the thought of her and him hanging out. I don't know though, I could just have been upset at the idea that maybe he liked her not me. lol I know that I wasn't happy about the idea of him not being interested in me, even though I didn't think that he was interested... having Amanda say that he liked her, when she had said that he liked me just hurt. Real or fake, it still was something, and I lost that.

That was a great year. I was going to write about it, but I switched over to the writing of a lab report, and no longer feel the desire to write about derek, or joey, or whatever lol. ahhhhhhh I wish that I had guys interested in me now though.

heheheh and that might just mean that I think that Derek liked me. Oh wait, no it doesn't! Yeah, I can't accept it! Even if he was technicaly "interested", it was no more so than he has been in every other girl he has ever seen or talked to, nothing important.