i saw mat tonight. kinda knew that i would. just did. i was going to call him and ask him to hang out with me tonight, but i didn't have any ideas for what we could do, so i felt bad calling, and thus i didn't.

so i decided to go look for the bosstones cd. so i told my dad i was going to kmart to look for cds, and would be back in an hour and a half or so.

cd wasn't at kmart. went to coconuts, not there. not at walmart. not at borders. dad called me on the cell as i left borders. he said he was gunna pick me up, cus it was getting late, and he didn't want me out walking.

so i sat outside on the curb playing with a bouncy ball, looking for mat's car. lol don't ask me why. so i go inside, and go to look for this book i had wanted a week and a half ago. then i see mat. i thought it looked like him, but i coulnd't tell. i was going ot just hide from him, in case he might see me. i guess i don't that type of stuff anymore though, cus instead, i looked at him from hiding to see if i was him, when i was sure that it was, i went up to say hi. he was with chris, lol chris had seen me, but mat didn't think it was me, cus i was wearing a skirt lmao. why does he know that i don't like to wear skirts? oh yea, cus i have talked to him about everything lmao. so i walk up to them and mat turns around, and i got a hug from him, mmmmmmmmmmmmm. he sees me and we just kinda walked into a hug, it was cute... or atleast i thought so. i got a hug from him before i got out of the car when they dropped me off at my house too.

ugh. i thought i was getting better about being around him. i was being able to be near him, and not have to hold myself back, mentaly, from kissing him. oh that went away. the whole two hours, i just wanted to put my arms around him, and have him hold me, and kiss him. damn hormones. he seems to set them off. well at least the weirdness is gone.

i wonder what would happen if i did kiss him. (yea, i try to think about other stuff, buy my mind seems to be stuck here) like, if we got into his car, and he looks over for a second, and i just leaned in and kissed him. i can actually see myself doing that. guys scare me, especialy stuff like that. but with mat, i'm not scared, i want it, and it (as odd and awful as this sounds) it just seems, right. i don't know what would happen. of course, i want to think that he would kiss me back. but he has a girlfriend who isn't me, and if he were interested in me, he would have done something about it. but i just feel, like there is something there. heh that sounded more like a premonition before he told me one night that he wouldn't feel bad about cheating on his girlfriend, and then later saying that he was thinking about kissing me. lol but that doesn't mean anything now, cus it was almsot two weeks ago.

you know why i keep little mementos? cus i don't believe that these things have happened to me, i need someting physical to look at, to pick up and touch, that proves that it DID happen. thought of that becuase i can't believe what happened that night, i can't believe that that night even happened, that i did what i did and all. argh! but i have proof. lol a lense case. heheheh but it works. well, unless my mind is so warped, that i got that somewhere else, but have changed my own memories to make me think that i spent the night at mat's house. heh i used the word ""memento", so of course my mind had to disprove what i set out to say using the damned movie of the same name as proof. that was a fucked up movie. good movie, but the logic of the guy was so fucked up. as i just pointed out that mine could be.

lmao i'm gunna let that last one stay there.

i want to ask, "what the hell was i thinking?!", but i know what i was thinking, and why i was thinking it. i think i am out of the woods now though.

i'm not obsessive. go ahead, laugh all you wish! but i know the truth.

i haven't fallen too far. you can't fall to far. i was afraid of falling, in a way, that i don't think i am falling.

i want him in my life. hehehe i think i lasted 15 minutes before i readded his name to my buddy list, and then mentioned him in my other blog just now.

i am perfectly ok.

actuall, i am more ok than i have been in, well years! i have friends. i have things to do over summer vacation. i have a job. i am getting along with people i just met a few months ago at work so well that i plan to go to a drive in with some of them on friday.

i can talk to people i see on the street.

heh i can walk somewhere, and have people who know me wave at me, happy to see me. i can see people from school and have those short shallow conversations with them.

i know what i want in life.

i am happy with the way that i look.

i have a healthy crush on a normal boy.

i might not have the full life of a lot of the people i know, but i am getting there. i'm not the loner girl that i used to be, i no longer hide from society and from people. i don't chase away friends, or potential bofriends. that's exactly what i just found myself trying to do though. trying to make it into a big deal, assuming he didn't care, and that nothing could ever happen. well fuck that, i don't know what could happen. he hung out with today, that must say something, right? being a normal person, with connections to the world is damn scary for me, and yeah, i keep wanting to quit and give it up, so i can sit in my room all day, and never come out, not care about anyone, have a crush on some guy i don't know again, but i'm not going to let myself go back to that. it sucked, and more importantly, it wasn't living.

you know what i am scared of? not of a guy who doesn't like me, but of one who might, cus then i would have to go out with him! i'm not scared of boys thinking i'm unnatractive, but of ones who think i'm pretty, cus then i might have to let them kiss me. i'm not afraid of people who see me as a freak, but of those who can relate to me, cus then i might have to befriend them. i'm not scared of doing poorly in school, but of doing well, cus then i would have an accurate expectation of what i could do, and i would be striving for something real.

i said that it was ok to like someone who didn't like me back, and to just be friends and deal with it that way, then atleast i would still have him in my life. i also said that i would do this until it started to hurt me. it always kind of hurt to talk to him, or hang out with him, to be so close, but not in the way that i wanted. it was always worth it though, and how happy me made me went past how much it hurt.

how much can you care about one person? how much should you care about someone before it become unhealthy?

i'm reading this book, and it scares me. the woman, when she describes her love life, it is my love life. the way it made her feel to be around a male that she liked, the odd guilt she felt talking to her mother about a guy. she said she fell for the men that made her feel sexy, or special, or worthwile. í'm afraid that that is what i do. when she said it, i saw it as wrong, you should like them for them, not for how they feel. i was proven right too. her husbands feelings changed, and he cheated on her, she forgave him, and he did it three more times, and then he left her. he left her feeling like she was to blame.worse yet, she had fallen so badly for this man, that when she first found out he was cheating on her, the thought of loosing him made her suicidal, she tried to kill herself before he found her and had her away to an institution.

i don't want to be like that. i don't want to fall for the wrong reasons, or for the wrong person who might, as good as they seem now at a healthy distance, prove to have a bad influence in my life. i don't want to fall so hard that one person makes up so much of my world that when or if i were to loose them, it would make me fall apart, and not be me any more.

i'm afraid that i have fallen too hard this time. i have never liked a guy as much as i like mat. i said that i was going to let myself fall, but then again, i hoped that i would be getting into a relationship with the guy i fell for. the more i get to know him, the more time i spent with him, the more i like him, and the more i want him to like me back. i'm afraid that this has gone beyond a healthy crush.

the plan? i step away. i don't want to hurt him, by just not talking to him anymore. then again, i don't think it would bother him all that much. i think i would be more ok with this if i still felt like he cared, but i don't, and today, it just didn't feel comfortable, like whatever we had, whatever closeness, was gone. so i took him off of my buddy list so i can't im him, i won't call him, i won't mention his name in my other blog. if he contacts me, ok, i'll talk to him, but i'm not going to start anything.

heh yea, i'm being dramatic again, i know. i''m damn scared, i don't want to be truly obsessive. i really don't know what is healthy to feel in this type of situation. people tell me that i am obsessive, and they say it as if it is unheathy. from this, i am assuming that i take these things too far. well not this time.

lol unless i decide a few days down the road that i need to talk to him.

oh! i just realised how sad this blog is! lmao

what would i say to myself of two months ago, if that wer possible to do?

#1. okay, you just met him, relax.
#2. how the hell do you know that he will never like you? that is one crap attitude. okay, so far you have been right, no likeage from him, lol. but you never know! don't be so damn negative! cus i know that that pissed you off that he would "never like you"
#3. stop talking about derek. why do you want to like him? you got over him a long time ago, deal with it.
#4. leave the damn past in the past. you got over it, now stop mentioning it. no one read this to sympathise with you.
#5. stop with the stories. i know the stories, you know the stories. yeah, i am forgetting them, but that's cus i no longer care.

on the plus side, kudos for talking to mat. that's it. lol you are too obsessive.

he is a guy, and you are a girl. uh huh. that's it. lol life isn't as big of a deal as you want to make it. that's the important thing. stuff isn't so dire. i knew that then, kinda. but i feel for those few moments while writing, that it is. those moments get me down. it is okay to see everything as important, but it hurts me when i let things get as big as i do.

kay, i'm done.

i can't believe that i started this talking about derek. aaaaaaagh i am really over him. yuck. thank god. aaaaagh i liked him once. aaaaaagh. it's like me having liked tristen. aaaaaaaagh.

i am the girl that guys want to cheat on their girlfriends with. i don't know why, and i don't know what this says about me and how guys see me. it's just something that i have noticed. the guys that have shown interest in me, have been with a girl at the time, or just come out of a relationship. they seem to loose interest in me quick, they tend to start liking the ex or girlfriend again. but it's weird. what about me makes a guy doubt his feelings for the girl he cares about? i'm not saying that every guy feels this way. just a couple.

and why do they only notice me when they have just stepped away from, or are still with another girl? i bet it is because they see me as the nice girl. their girlfriend took over their life, or was a bitch, or cheated, or was crazy, and they see me, and i look like this nice, normal girl, and they want that type of stability. then they get to know me, and realise that normality is relative, and no one is as normal as they wish, and that a simple relationship isn't simple at all, so they go back to the one they had strong feelings for.

hah i was thinking about that whole guys with girls like me thing, and it made me realise, that i think that those guys WERE interested in me, lol when did i start thinking that way? heh i like it though. i finaly believe that guys could and do like me. super! i always wanted to be able to believe that. this is a really big step for me. heh i think that tuesday made me change my mind. cus a guy did like me. wow. yeay! i got what i wanted. just one guy to clearly show that he was interested. hah and it felt good. so now i don't need to look for attention from guys. cus i know that i can get it.

Readings for June 20
Hers:
Let go! Hanging on to hope could cause you to start obsessing. It may be time to put that picture away--even temporarily. Clear your mind.

okay

listening to this cd i got from tristen a long time ago. it had rcr's "drunken angel" on it. i always loved that song, but this time one line in particular stuck out.

"a sleepless night to hold yea, i wish i never told you" yup. that is it.

but i'm not going to think about that night again. it didn't happen. lol everything makes so much more sense, and is so much easier if i never happened.

cus now, i like this guy. but he has a girlfriend, whom we are assuming he really cares about and wants to go out with. so i just need to forget about anything ever happening between him and i. like i did with keith last year. i can do this. he is my friend, and he is going out with a nice girl. i'm gunna just leave it at this.

i am so proud of myself. last night was fucking hard. i just wanted to go and get into bed with mat.... but i didn't think that that would go over too well with, uhhhh, well, with anyone! lol so i didn't, but fuck was it hard.

my emotions have calmed down a tad. damn hormones!

so nothing ever happens between mat and i. i will live. i can handle that. he has a girlfriend and is moving very far away in a few months. not the perfect situation. lol i told him that we should have a summer fling.

argh. we kept talking about dating, and relationships, and his relationships, and mine, and yeah.

what i can't get over. was chris saying that he could tell that i liked mat, lol that i was like "mat's girl". which is so true. it's like being in half of a relationship. i feel guilty when i like other guys. i dunno, i just feel oddly attached to him. but it only goes in the one direction. which is okay. lol he does have a girlfriend. i really don't get why he is going out with her. he says that she was excited about it, and he kinda figured why not? yeah, well i would have been damn happy to be able to go out with him. lol but i'm not his girlfriend. he spends more time with me (heh robin too) than he does with his girlfriend. wtf? uhhhhhh you are being stupid. hah i am being all self confident here. for once, it's like why the hell wouldn't he want to go out with me, not why would he like me? huh this boy really is messing with my head.

i feel so close to him. i dunno. it's weird. heh he said the same thing.

i haven't seen him in hours. yuck. i wanted to spend more time with him today, but i didn't want to get into trouble with my mom. i was supposed to call and tell her what time i would be home by 9 this morning. i so woke up at 9:30. so i made mat get up, which he did, he's so sweet, and bring me home. then i called her from there, to avoid the caller id issue, she was ok with it. she seemed a bit distracted today... i got a hug from mat when he dropped me off at my house this morning. i put my arms around him, and i don't want to let go.

i think i have given up on getting over him. i most likely will in good time, but you can't make yourself get over someone, especialy if you like them for the right reasons.

this isn't even that fucked up. i like him. it isn't me wanting a boyfriend. as i found out lately, i don't want just anyone. it isn't me liking someone that i can't get, well maybe it is, but that isn't why i like him. i dunno how to explain it... it's just different. in a good way.

and that in itself makes me happy. i succeded in my mission. i found a boy who i was attracted to, i got to know him, and i really let myself fall for him, it didn't work out too poorly either. so what if i don't get to kiss him? so what he has a girlfriend? i still got a friend out of it. plus, i like the feelings that go along with liking someone, i have been really happy since i started hanging out with him.

i don't except last night to make anything different. but it still is nice. nice to know that i wasn't basing everything on nothing. he feels something too. it might mean something different to him... but there is something there. i didn't just pull this out of my ass, he could like me in that way, he could want me, want to go out with me.

the other reason i don't except much. is because he has warned me. that he doesn't get emotionaly attached, that he can't. he says that he got hurt to many times to be able to. i can accept that, because that is kinda how i was/am. i think i'm getting over it though. i'm not saying that i think i could fall in love, but i am definetely emotionaly attached.

hahahahahah

to make things even more interesting! j decided to stop by today! lmgdmfao jenn and i ran into him on monday. so he followed us to videostop, and we all sat out front of there and talked. he kept like touching my stomach, and flirting with me. i didn't mind so much then. it made me feel kinda special actually now. he just stopped by again. i was tryin to go to sleep! so yea, major flirting. to the extent that i picked up on it. yup. wtf that is all i have to say wtf. the last twenty four hours. fuck, the last few months. just wtf.

hah.

Splitchic3: hi there
redxorxblue: hola
redxorxblue: whats goin on?
Splitchic3: uhhh i just took a shower!
Splitchic3: lol what's up with you?
redxorxblue: just got back from autozone
Splitchic3: what did you do there?
redxorxblue: bought oil and an oil filter
Splitchic3: oh excititng
redxorxblue: yes
redxorxblue: happy fathers day
redxorxblue: would you like to father my children?
Splitchic3: sure why not
redxorxblue: sweet!
Splitchic3: lol cus then i would get stuff every father's day, can't go wrong with free stuff
redxorxblue: this is true
redxorxblue: and i would get stuff on mothers day
Splitchic3: yup
Splitchic3: nuh
Splitchic3: that's the sound of boredom
redxorxblue: cool
redxorxblue: i had no idea there was a sound to boredom
Splitchic3: yeah, most people don't
redxorxblue: hmm
redxorxblue: thanks for opening my eyes
Splitchic3: you're welcome
Splitchic3: i wouldn't want to leave the mother of my future children in the dark on such an important issue
redxorxblue: lol, ok
Splitchic3: my hair is wet, but it smells pretty
redxorxblue: thats good
redxorxblue: my hair is dry
redxorxblue: and i don
redxorxblue: 't know if it smells
Splitchic3: lol
redxorxblue: my nose is stuffy, but my throat feels better
Splitchic3: that's good
Splitchic3: what should i do today?
redxorxblue: i dont know... go somewhere, and do something, exciting
redxorxblue: im gonna sell my virginity on ebay
Splitchic3: yeah, i figured as much
Splitchic3: lmao
Splitchic3: can you do that?
redxorxblue: i dont know
redxorxblue: but it would be cool if i did
Splitchic3: yeah
Splitchic3: i'd give you 5 bucks for it ;)
redxorxblue: sweet!
redxorxblue: you win
Splitchic3: yeehaw!
redxorxblue: http://cgi.aol.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=2934778859&category=36453
redxorxblue: that bastard stole my idea
Splitchic3: hahahah oh i'm sorry
Splitchic3: lol and people are bidding higher for him
redxorxblue: lol, i know
Splitchic3: that might be the funniest thing i have ever seen!
redxorxblue: lol
Splitchic3: oooh i found something to do today!
Splitchic3: i'm gunna go mini golf with my family
Splitchic3: woohoo family
redxorxblue: lol, that sounds like a call for help
Splitchic3: heheh
Splitchic3: this could be interesting
Splitchic3: since i suck at mini golf
redxorxblue: i love mini golf
Splitchic3: and i am very competitive
Splitchic3: oh i love it too! i just suck
Splitchic3: .. at mini golf
redxorxblue: lol
Splitchic3: i kno that i don't seem like i would be competitive
Splitchic3: .. but i like to win
redxorxblue: you? competitive? never...
Splitchic3: hehehe
Splitchic3: yesterday i got bored so went out shoping in w. leb. which means a lot of walking
Splitchic3: lol and i am damn lazy
Splitchic3: so i think i am not going to be doing much physicaly for a week heheh
redxorxblue: lol
redxorxblue: i drove in west leb
Splitchic3: well fuck you
Splitchic3: ~!
redxorxblue: lol
Splitchic3: i wish i could drive
redxorxblue: me too...
Splitchic3: shut up
redxorxblue: so what if my license was revoked in february for DUI...
redxorxblue: j/k
Splitchic3: lol
Splitchic3: i want to sell my virginity on ebay, i want to see how much i could get for it
redxorxblue: i'll give ya $23.48
Splitchic3: oooooooh i even get some change! super
redxorxblue: hells yeah
Splitchic3: i'll take it
Splitchic3: lol
redxorxblue: score
redxorxblue: and you give me $5
Splitchic3: yup
redxorxblue: works for me
Splitchic3: i like this situation
Splitchic3: i make money!
redxorxblue: for some reason i feel like i'm cheap..
Splitchic3: heheh
Splitchic3: you know what?
redxorxblue: what?
Splitchic3: i'll give you $ 5.49
redxorxblue: ok
Splitchic3: you feel better now?
redxorxblue: much
Splitchic3: glad to hear it!
redxorxblue: good!
Splitchic3: i gotta go mini golf now!
redxorxblue: ok
redxorxblue: have fun with that
redxorxblue: Ç¥Å
redxorxblue: toodles
Splitchic3: i will try
redxorxblue: kick some ass
Splitchic3: oh i will
redxorxblue: allright

I need to stop being so self centered.

ok i just really dont have the time and patience to go through this. i was worng sorry.

All that I can think, is that I am such a crap person, that everything is wrong. That our relationship was always shit, because of me, and that he finally got sick of it and couldn't stand being around me anymore.

I keep thinking about how out of the blue this is. It wasn't to him though, but I am too damn self centered to be able to think of what I ever did to him. Just all of the ways that he has made me feel like shit.

What I get out of this, is Tristen doesn't give a fuck about me, I am not worth his time.

He is hurting, and I am making this about me.

But isn't it?

And he says that he isn't upset, and got pissed when I assumed that he was.

Right, how dare I think that him being upset with me had any affect on him whatsoever.

I really don't get how to deal with people. I open my mouth, and I piss them off. Eventualy I piss off everyone who gets to know me. I hate it, because I never see it coming. I think that we are close, and friends, and then they say that I am annoying, or negative, or depressed, or that I need therapy. Always something fundamental, and something that says, "You really don't get jsut how hard it is for me to talk to you every day, do you? Well it is so hard, that I have finaly cracked, and I can't hide it any more. You are fucked up, not what you do, or what you say, YOU are fucked up, and I can't take it any more", and I am left shocked, and stunned, and rethinking everything that ever happened with the person, and now seeing it through the eyes of someone who sees me as annoying, or needing serious help. This is why I used to have such low self esteem.

I am getting better. I realized that I can't find happiness in people. Because then I can't help but be depressed when they say stuff like all of that to me.

Unfortunately, I have made people a part of my life, a significant part. So when Tristen tells me this, I rethink so much of my life, and question if I saw it in the right way at the time.

Me and people, just not working. I don't do the friendship thing right. I just hurt people and fuck with their lives. I am that person whose additude always gets everyone else down. lol I don't get myself depressed. I say negative things, but I don't mean them to be negative. I comment on the crap things in life, and just absorb the good ones. The good things are easy to accept, it is the negative stuff that is hard. But I don't want all of that negativity to well up inside of me, and make me negative. Now I let it out, so that I can accept it for what it is, and get over it. I talk about the negative stuff in this world, so that I can see how minor it is. Because a lot of minor stuff that you don't deal with, builds up quick, and makes you overally unhappy. I don't mean to complain either. Just to state the negative. I know that this world isn't perfect. I don't have, serious, disalusions of what type of wonderful life I could/should have. I know that the good comes in with the bad. I just want to let the bad back out, or lessen its impact. But I get how this could be missenterpreted, and how it could negatively affect others. When someone is depressed, and they talk to me, some of the negativity wears off on me. I don't mean to negativily affect anyone. But to some extent, people should be secure enough in their happiness that my negative words don't set them off significantly. Also, I can listen to other people complain/point out the negative, and deal. If I say that I am there to listen to someone, and don't tell them that I can't handle hearing what they have to say, I accept it as my responsibility to listen, and not hold what they say against them. Tristen has always had to option to say, "You know what? I don't want to hear this." and I would have stopped, as I have done in the past with him.

To sum up, I don't see that I did anything wrong. Until he tells me that I have, I don't feel bad. So, I think that he is being an ass blowing me off like this.

I feel bad for him though. He is clearly repressing something, whatever he is not telling me. If he just doesn't care, well I don't believe that. This affected him, cus he didn't used to act like this around me. He needs to deal with his shit, and do so in a way that doesn't hurt other peoples' feelings, cus he isn't going to apologize to me for treating me like this. He will just tell me that I am overreacting.

Splitchic3: you done hating me yet?
evl Emu Shake: i didnt hate you so cut the theatrics

It was a damn joke, I was trying to be friendly. If I was being serious, I think I had reason. He called me satan, and said that he needed ANOTHER day to curse my name.

So fuck you Tristen.

Phewph, I feel better now. No more tears. lol and i didn't even bother anyone with my ranting! super. i like writing better, it just works better for me. i was happier when i didn't tell people, jenn doesn't count, how i felt, and why i felt as i did. it was when i started opening up that my life went to shit. it just doesn't work for me. i don't know when to stop. because telling people "why" i am upset is what i am asked to do, yet when i try to go into the issue that the person just brought up, they get annoyed. people asking me what is wrong, makes me cry, it reminds me that i have reason to be upset. i would rather just repress until i am not in school/public, and have the time to sit down and deal. i don't cry over one thing, i cry over my issues. i know that every time i am upset it is because of something much bigger than what set off the tears. i need to think into the whole thing. i guess people just don't get that about me. cus they don't want to hear about my issues, and they seem like they don't find it right for me to be telling them about my issues. but if they bring it up, then i have to go into it, that is how i am. so it sucks. no more telling people jack. next time i get asked, "what's wrong" i will do as i used to, shake my head and walk away. if i stay, they give me looks until i tell, and telling is not going to help when i have classes to deal with. the end.

lol as soon as he is single. i am gunna tell him how bad i want him. i deserve it damnit!

my problem?

i am dissapointed.

i haven't fully gotten over my past. but i have put it in the past. that is why it still hurts when that stuff comes up.

i have been trying to look to the future. i told myself a while ago that the next guy i liked, i would put in the damn effort for once, take the damn chance, and let myself fall, and give myself a chance for once. i decided it was worth it to fall, completely, not this half-assed bullshit i usually pull, but fully. and to put in an effort to get to know the guy, and hang out with him, and flirt with him, and then let him know how i felt, and be ready to handle his reaction.

then i met mat. then robin told me i should talk to him and gave me his sn. then i talked to him, and i damn imed him first, and thought of stuff to talk about, and put myself out there. i hung out with him with her, and asked him to hang out, and risked asking the oager if i could go out on school nights, and tried to make convo (the tried is because it did scare me to hang out with him, and i did my clam thing, but i pushed past it). i got to know him, and we were becoming friends, in record time. then he got a girlfriend. so my plan was smashed. i got dissapointed, cus what do i do now? well i follow the point of my plan, get past my fears. so i keep talking to him, keep trying to get him to hang out with me, keep hanging out with me, keeping him in my life. there is nothing else that i can do. but i am still dissapointed, i want to take a risk, and now i can't.

so i am a little upset on the guy front lately. this is the real reason. no more bullshit. that is it, all there is to it. i still have the same issues i mentioned before, but i figured them out months ago. i try and defend myself when topics i dislike come up, and i work so hard to cover my flaws, that i don't always tell the whole truth.

mmmmmm mat. heheheh i got to see him today. i found him on my street, when i was walking home with erica and robin. it was od, cus robin and i were going to call him and make him bring us to get her tongue pierced. so yup, we tried to go get her tongue pierced, but the guy suggested that she didn't get it done, cus apparently she has some vain in the middle of her tongue and wouldn't be all that cool to poke a hole in it. then we followed police cars, and got food. and burned cds for robin, and watched tv, and stuff.

i really like this boy. the thing is, i care about him, a lot. more than any other guy i have ever been interested in. it isn't an "ï want a boyfriend to make me feel good about myself, and he seems ok and talks to me" kinda thing. i care about him, no matter what happens.

it just sucks that nothing is ever going to happen. still hurts.i couldn't give him up. but i almost wish that i could. as happy as he makes me, i hate that i can't have him, i hate thinking about it. it's like watching a suspense movie, when you already know who dies, but the movie is good enough that you keep watching. i wish that i could like him as a friend, like i do, but not want him as more too. that would be great. hmmmm well he seems to not get over his exs, that is a negative. uhhhhhh he doesn't like any of the stuff that i like, he hates metallica. hmmmm he is going away to college soon. HE HAS A DAMN GIRLFRIEND. heh so not working.

Mmmmmmmm I wanted to write in here yesterday, but then I didn't, cus I am lazy so yeah!

Hahah Mat emailed me with his phone number, not a smart move on his part. Cus you know what is going to happen the next time i get bored.

oh i suck and that is that. but he is the idiot.

i should stop liking him, and i would if i could. well maybe i can, but i wouldn't be able to see him or talk to him again. when i talk to him online, it just makes me happy, and it makes me want to be with him. when i hang out with him, i really just want to kiss him. no other guy has ever made me feel like that before. that is such a strange feeling for me. normaly i am the girl who turns away when a guy tries to kiss her, cus i am too scared.

i have no experience, which sucks usualy, but is nice in this situation. cus if i knew what i was doing, i would definately have kissed him a long time ago. now i can't, cus he has yet another girlfriend who isn't me. i get the feeling that he will never like me in that way. not because he doesn't like me, lol cus we are "friends" now, but because he just won't ever look at me in that way. i don't know. i hate that, but i am glad that i can atleast talk to him. made it thru the akward stage of worrying what he would think if i talked to him too much, or asked him to hang out. cus now that is no big, it's like with jenn or tristen. so i am happy with the whole thing. i just wish that he would just look at me in another way than just a friend.

i haven't been this scared about losing someone. ever.

im not ready for tristen to go.

in someways i feel like he is just being too sweet. trying to find a reason to get me out of his life, by blaming it on one little thing.

in other ways, i trust him to not hurt me... then i look at what he's doing, and i can just feel my heart being ripped out if me

i can't write in paragraphs.

yesterday and thismorning couldn't have been any better. i love going to a show with him and having his arm around me, knowing that im his, and that he loves me, front and center in a concert, screaming at the top of our lungs. it's comforting

i can't even believe this happened. how the hell could he get so defensive about one little thing.

quoted from tristen's blogg:

"I know I know “how can you say all those mean things about your GF!?”

Everyone gets annoyed with shit. Just cause my GF does shit that annoys me doesn’t mean im a bad BF or shes a bas Gf nessisarilly. And just cause shes MY GF doesn’t mean she cant annoy me, im sure I do annoygin shit too. And the only difference is that I state it flat out."

have i flipped out at him once for confronting me about something that pissed him off about me? i do not believe so. why does he have to go that to me?!

i was just confused about it. i just asked him a question!! why did he have to get all angry!?

i can't deal with this. it's fucking with my mind.