mat and i joke a lot, and we joke about sex and nudity and such.

the really funny part, is that i'm not joking.

hah i wore my how to steal a boyfriend shirt the other day. i haven't been wearing it much as of late. i used to wear it all the time. it used to be my favorite shirt, still is. but, for some reason, i felt bad about wearing it the past month and a half or so. i don't care. my shirt. i like it. lol it means nothing, i shouldn't feel bad about wearing it.

am i ready for sex? do i want to have sex?

i want to say "no".... but i don't really know how accurate of an answer that is.

lmao mat is my shower buddy. cus it's really hard to take a shower all by yourself, we're gunna help each other out. he was online the other morning, and he said he needed to take a shower, and of course, he desired help from his shower buddy, i could't help him though, cus i was here, and he was at his house, i told him that i would have helped him if i could have though. conversations like that, i have to stop and think if i was joking. yeah it was meant as a joke, he does't need help taking a shower, but i bet, if given the opportunity, i would get into a shower with him.

i'm really glad that he has a girlfriend, and that he started going out with her when he did. what would have happened if he had stayed single, if he had still started to like me, if i had kept liking him... i really don't know. i do know that the only reason i haven't kissed him is because he has a girlfriend, and if had been single way back when, and i had kissed him... what would that have led to?

the worst part is doubting myself. not knowing how i feel, what i want.

i shouldn't feel bad about havin these feelings. but i do.

on second thought i should feel bad, just not for the reasons that i do feel bad. i want a guy who has a girlfriend lol that should be off limits, not to my mind though muahahahahaha

robin was right, lindsay realized that guys have dicks lmao

i've been slow on the boy chasing thing. i guess i never had a physical desire for guys. they were nice to talk to, and cute to look at, maybe even ok to hug. i want them now.

fuck. this fucking sucks. honesty time! lol

i don't know what to do anymore. good thing i no longer have a choice. there is absolutely nothing else i can do.

i brought it up with mat, well, i guess i didn't so much as it came up. i told him that i really like him, and how i felt like i had a chance with him, but he has a girlfriend, and how i have no right to be upset, because he never liked me in the way that i like him. he says that he does like me, and would go out with me, but he started liking me the day after he started going out with her. he says he would rather hurt one person than two, and he's leaving soon, so he doesn't have much time to be in a relationship right now.

the thing is. i'm not upset any more. i'm not pissed that i met him. i'm not pissed that i got to know him. not that i fell for him. not at how hard i fell for him. not that he has a girlfriend. not that he likes me too. not that he likes two girls. not that he is who he is, and how he is. not that he is leaving. i don't think i'm even pissed at how typical this is. not at the damn cycle i keep falling into.

i'm really glad that i met him. and i'm really happy with who i am today, with the person i have become. i have changed a lot since january, and a lot of that has to do with mat, the rest is because of robin. lol i guess that taht means it is all because of robin, because if it weren't for robin, i woulnd't have had mat in my life. thanks robin! lol

why should i be upset? i got just what i have been asking for. i met a guy, and i got to know him, and i fell for him for all the right reasons, and when he was available, he got to know me, and he liked me. lol i have been saying that i'm not looking to get into a relationship, and i'm not. so i should be happy.... i still wish that something could have happened, but i got a lot, and i am grateful for that.

lol this is the mat blog. he's what i talk about most in here. he's like, a dream come true for me. only before, i thought i was just making it up, but i wasn't. is that even possible?

the past few months have forced me to think about some stuff. like, am i attractive? i always use to say "no"without even seeing "yes" as a possible answer.

can i get a boyfriend? same thing.

am i smart? same thing.

i have never been called unnatractive to my face. i just thought i was unattractive and assumed that everyone else thought like i did, they just lied to make me feel better.

i always assumed that the number of times i have been rejected was indicative of me being undesirable.

i always figured i wasn't smart, because i didn't do as well in school as my mom wanted me to, or as other people. this year, people herd me talk, and they thought i sounded smart, and apparently most people find my SAT scores to be decent.

i've had to seriousely think about these questions, for the first time, they are questions, with yes as a possible answer.

i think i'm too innocent to get attached to mat. i don't mean it in a conceited way. just, i'm too innocent to want a guy with a girlfriend, somone so moraly out of my reach. liking him, is saying that i think i have a chance, which is boyfriend stealing! lol i know that i have the shirt, and i know that i have gone for guys in or just out of relationships before, but as soon as i found out that they were still in a relationship, or that their ex still had strong feelings, i backed off. i think that you need to deal with old relationships before you can/ should enter into a new one.

okay. it's gunna go okay. it isn't a big deal.

but it seems like it is.

if i could say that mat is happy with his girlfriend, and he is happy with their relationship, and his feelings towards me have only been platonic, and know that it was true, than i think i would be okay with it all. for some reason, i can't say that and think that it is true, even though it probably is. i think i should talk to him about that.

oh! i smallized this hours ago! lol huh i was talking about mat. well right now, i don't give a fuck about him. i went hours without even thinking about him. could i be getting over him? no! couldn't be... lindsay must have found a guy she has even less of a chance of getting! hehehe