when mat was going out with elisabeth, i used to dream about him being single, and us hooking up.

dreams, desires, they are supposed to be of things you CAN'T HAVE, so how the fuck did i end up in the middle of my dream? only now, i can't just have sex with him and it's no big. it's real. i really have to think about this. and it's not overwhelming, so much as confussing. i don't know what i want. maybe i should stop thinking, and let my cooter be my guide ...

and i think my cooter wants him.

shit! i think i just implied that i want to fuck him hahahah

honestly, did you see this coming a few months ago? cus i sure didn't.

bah! stupid hormones.

mat makes me horny, and i don't know what to do about it. there, i said it.

i was kinda horny this morning. and then i saw mat. damn. what the fuck is going on here?! i'm not used to this ... it's scary.

lmao so i was at the station with him this morning, and i was like, "hmmmm i really want to kiss him, but i'm not sure if that would just makes things worse ... yeah, better keep my distance, i wouldn't want to end up raping him ..."

i am so sexualy clueless. but i am starting to feel a little less innocent. i'm trying goddamnit!

bah

robin said something today about tristen thinking it was okay if he only saw her every like four days. if i had to go four days without seeing mat, i might strangle something. hehe i haven't gone more than 46 hours without seeing him since he and elisabeth broke up.

he makes me so fucking happy. happy like i can't believe. i never thought that i could feel this way about a guy. lookatme! i'm growing up, becoming capable of getting into real relationships. i thought i would have lost interest by now. it's been a week of our quazi-relationship. at the very least, i had expected him to have lost interest.

hah i would like to say that i have now had two boyfriends. chris being one. mat and tristen somehow combining to be considered a third.

when he became single, i started to treat him like my boyfriend, and vica versa. saying we are "going out" is rather silly, since he's only here for another month. we would have a deadline! but we still act like we're going out. mmmmmmm like we hang out almost everyday (there has been one day since he became single that i didn't see him, and one more that i only saw him for about 5 minutes how sad is that!?), hold hands, kiss, i don't really know what else a relationship is supposed to consist of ... but i'm damn happy with what i've got.

mmmm mat likes to rub at the inside of my thigh, i think it makes me a bit too happy ...

i always complain about how i never got any experience, and was pissed at myself for not kissing a guy earlier blahblahblah. jenn said today that she doesn't enjoy sex, doesn't like to be touched by guys, and doesn't really enjoy kissing. uhmmm maybe she rused herself? it would make sense, i read somewhere that if you rush into sex an stuff before you are ready, it isn't enjoyable. so uhhhhhhhh i think i am ready, well atleast ready for where i am. i like kissing. i muchly enjoy being touched. i don't understand it, but when mat holds me, it's this warm fuzzy feeling ;)

kay i'll admit it, i only wanted to write in here to brag. who am i bragging to? myself! lol i kept writing in here about mat. part of me though i had a chance, the other part said "no fucking way", tis the latter whose face i shout in now "HA-FUCKING-HA look at me now!"

freddy furious (5:45:12 PM): wait so whats this i hear about u being object or pissed abotu my tattoo?
littlduckishake (5:45:29 PM): mmm i wrote a little bit about it in my blogg
littlduckishake (5:45:36 PM): who told u?
freddy furious (5:45:42 PM): cathy
littlduckishake (5:45:52 PM): im not pissed about it
freddy furious (5:46:30 PM): cuz she came up to the station to set up plans with me for wednesday and she asked me "is robin still pissed about it?"
"i wouldnt be suprised if she was, most people r when u tell them there idea is stupid then do your own version, they dont like that"
littlduckishake (5:46:54 PM): well im not pissed about it
freddy furious (5:47:11 PM): im not seeing reason for objection yet?
littlduckishake (5:47:15 PM): i was a little suprised when u told me what u were getting, and it took me a little while to figure it out in my head, but it's all good
littlduckishake (5:49:22 PM): so i guess tristen is getting a tattoo, a star just like the one kathy has. hmm. i guess im not too psyched about this, but whatever. Tristen can do whatever he wants with his body, it's not like i have a say in weather he gets it done or not. I just wish he would get something a little more... origional than getting the exact same one as kathy. maybe... idnno. not my place.

littlduckishake (5:49:36 PM): thas what i wrote about it in my blogg... in the 22nd
littlduckishake (5:50:14 PM): see? no objection lol
littlduckishake (5:51:59 PM): ooh did tris die?
freddy furious (5:52:01 PM): cathy not kathy
freddy furious (5:52:03 PM): lol
littlduckishake (5:52:06 PM): lol i kno
littlduckishake (5:52:10 PM): she corrected me already
freddy furious (5:52:12 PM): she brought up that u messed it up
freddy furious (5:52:23 PM): and i was like "i never mess it up cause i call u C money"
freddy furious (5:52:27 PM): "no you dont"
freddy furious (5:52:32 PM): "ya i do, in my head"
littlduckishake (5:52:48 PM): im so confusted
littlduckishake (5:52:48 PM): lol
littlduckishake (5:52:52 PM): CONFUSTED
littlduckishake (5:52:54 PM): new word lol
littlduckishake (5:53:21 PM): my dad is vacuuming the wall...
freddy furious (5:53:34 PM): besides the fact that i want the star for many reasons, im making a very valid point in that im getting a very well known icon done on my body permamently and you dont like it for that reason, where as dragons are more over dsone then a red black star
littlduckishake (5:53:54 PM): lol i don't have a problem with it tris
littlduckishake (5:53:55 PM): realli
littlduckishake (5:54:07 PM): i actually think it's a cool idea now
freddy furious (5:54:08 PM): mine being viable because i knwo wtf im talking about, and the black and red star is not backed mostly by any one ethnisity
freddy furious (5:54:26 PM): im also getting the distillers logo on my arm

bah, this page is crap. you heard me CRAP!

i write stupid shit in here that i am too embareassed to say in my other blog.

i have gotten so much more open with what i can and will say in my other blog.

i'm startin to feel that this one is pointless.

it does make me laugh though. i can be such an idiot. i don't know what i am talking about in here. this really is the blog that i wrote in before thinking. so i said my stupid little thoughts in here, settled some stuff, than went and wrote in my other blog.

keeping this blog secret is stupid too. robin reads it. you know who all read my real blog? robin and mat. since lately i write in here about mat, i think he knows pretty much everything i have written in here in the past three months or so. POINTLESS. so why don't i just write in my real blog? i have been ... heh a lot of the posts in here i could easily say in my real blog, but i felt a desire to ad something in here. i didn't want this blog to feel neglected!

this is weird ... not like any other part of knowing mat was ever normal

so i didn't hit him the first time i saw him ... not til the second time

i've known him for an entire two and a half years

there are so many of those people who you meet once, and then never talk to again, and they are gone from your life .... or maybe not

so random that i met him twice

guess i have to re-re-write that story that post.

lindsay is introduced to guy by guy's girlfriend because she knows derek.
lindsay forgets about guy, guy forgets about lindsay.
lindsay is reintroduced to guy two years later by friend.
...

redxorxblue: oh, we need to hook up before i go to college. because for some reason i think i will regret it if we dont.

hmmmmmmmmm i might have to rework that last post......

lindsay meets boy.
robin tells lindsay to talk to boy.
lindsay talks to boy.
lindsay wants boy.
lindsay and boy hang out.
boy gets girlfriend.
boy somehow knows how lindsay feels about him.
boy wants lindsay.
lindsay has to deal.

huh, i guess he has to deal with it too lol

hah this summer is amazing.

my summer has been like a movie! one of those teen movies. in the beginning, the person has gotten sick of their preditctable life, but doesn't know how to change it. somethig happens that changes their life, they don't know how to deal at first, then they get into their new life which is full of funny events, and they come out a different person.

robin: u kno that mat wants u

damn, no i didn't. but hey, if you say!

"this is too weird" ~ me, out loud, sitting alone in my room

hmmmmm soooooooo i got what i wanted

during the school year i kept complaing, and i finaly got what i wanted. a guy gave me a chance. now we are friends, and he feels the same way about me that i feel about him. and you know what the best part is?! I GET TO HIT HIM! lmao people get pissed when i hit them, so i have to be real careful to not. lol mat gets dissapointed if i don't hit him, lol he says he likes it, which is fine by me!

starting to wonder if mat was being serious about stuff we talked about...

and if he wasn't, that doesn't scare me.

redxorxblue: but im gonna go take a shower now
GanstaBtchBarbi: heh
redxorxblue: it's too bad you dont have your license shower buddy
GanstaBtchBarbi: i know
redxorxblue: then we could bleed multiple colours
GanstaBtchBarbi: otherwise i would come and help you out
GanstaBtchBarbi: heheheh
GanstaBtchBarbi: that would be so pretty!
redxorxblue: sweeet
redxorxblue: it would!
GanstaBtchBarbi: maybe some day...
redxorxblue: i'll add that to a list of things that should be done soon

i read that, and i was like, "maybe he wasn't joking about the shower budd thing?" silence, eh, whatever. i wasn't joking either.

now i'm thinking, "what the fuck happened to my life?!". i keep having this thought. lol cj doesn't think i'm innocent, he said i was innocent a few months ago, i really have changed lately...... this year, 2003 not school year

i slept naked last night, didn't faze me... cept when my mom walked into my room to ask me a question, i felt kinda bad... like i had been caught doing something wrong. eh

"cus things like, bad timing just don't wait" hmmmm i like reel big fish, and it shows.

i can't make myself not like mat. i know that it doesn't work that way. i know that nothing is going to speed up the process. i think i am getting over him, and then all the feelings come back. whatever.

what i am working on now, is dealing. dealing with liking a guy who has a girlfriend, and no real feelings for me. blah. story of my life:
lindsay meets boy
lindsay likes boy
boy meets lindsay
boy talks to lindsay
lindsay becomes interested in said guy
guy doesn't feel the same way about lindsay as she feels about him
guy (somehow) knows how lindsay feels about him
lindsay has to deal

YUCK

this pattern SUCKS.

eh, i got a boyfriend once. lol i got real lucky once, i shouldn't be asking for more.