i miss him. he called today, it was nice to talk to him, but i still miss him. i miss kissing him, it's been four days. is this obsessing? yeah, i thought so too.

i was always so physicaly attracted to him. he makes my knees go weak. you know how in books and movies the girl likes a guy soooo much that he makes her faint? that's pretty much how i feel about mat. if he hugs me or i think abut him hugging me and i'm standing, it feels like my knees are about to go out on me. and when he kisses me, or i think about him kissing me, my head swims. i don't know if this is normal, but i don't remember feeling this strongly before. the attraction had gotten so bad. last week, i was at his house, and we were watching a movie in the basement with the lights off. lying on the coach, and i decided that i was actually going to watch the movie this time, and not let myself get distracted. well we're lying there, and he's got his arms around me, and i can't do it. as soon as he got next to me, i knew i couldn't make it long, but he had to make it worse by holding my hand, and kissing my check, or stroking my side. i couldn't not kiss him. but i wanted to watch the damn movie. so i got up, and sat on the floor. that lasted for maybe three minutes, not even. by now he had sat up too. but i couldn't be in the same room as him, and not be close to him. so i got up, sat on his lap, put my arms around his neck, and started kissing him, he put up no effort to stop me (that bastard!), no he just held me and kissed me back.

i have fallen asleep so many nights fantasizing about moments like that. about liking someone so much that i couldn't keep away from them. of how it would feel to have a guy hold me in his arms. i never thought that i would get what i had in these dreams. i even had to tell myself that my expectations were too high, and i would never be happy with a guy because of these dreams. heh i prefer to dream about guys i know. so i'd been dreaming about mat since like may. do you know how great it was, for those dreams to be real? to get to live in the dream i fantasized about only a few months ago?

so my typical fantasy involved mat going out with some girl, and then him realizing that he liked me, and it getting to the point where he couldn't resist me, so he breaks up with her for me, and then we make out a lot, but it isn't just physical, because we realize that we really care about eachother. of course it took practicaly till he had to leave for us to hook up, but i spend practicaly all of the last week he is here with him, and he is all sad when he leaves. then he is gone, but he really misses me, and he doesn't want to go out with any of the girls he meets, because he still likes me. that's what i used to think about, ironicaly, before he was even going out with elisabeth.

with mat, i really did feel as passionately as i did in my dreams. that scares me. i guess i am just growing up, and am able to have real feelings of lust for someone. but he made me so unbelievably happy, i could never have even imagened how happy he makes me. being with him, gives me this feeling of utter contentment. i don't know what that says. no one person has ever made me feel that way before. even now, thinking about him, makes me smile. other people make me happy, and thinking about other guys i have liked has made me happy, not like this though. it's one of those relationships, that makes you cry you are so happy. he makes me feel so strongly, that i can't keep it to myself.

i don't even feel like trying to get over him. i like liking him, it makes me exuberant, even if i can't have him.

mat is the first guy i have liked, who it hurts when i think of him kissing other girls or see him with other girls. it just hurts. robin used to say how she couldn't watch tristen hug and kiss jamie, and even though i liked him too, i could deal, it was fine. now i know how she felt.

i knew it all along, but it's finaly hitting me, i really do like mat. this isn't a crush. it's real. it's something i haven't felt before. goddmanit. how do you let go of something that seems so perfect?

what am i even talking about?! perfect doesn't exist. good relationships don't happen in high school. it's all just stupid shit. i run away from guys when it seems like i have a chance with them. my feelings change too often for me to care about just one guy. this is how i fucking think. these are the things i told mat when we first started talking. so why haven't i even wanted to hook up with any guys all summer even though i was single and had chances to? why can't i find any flaws with my relationship over the past few weeks with mat? why do i spend as much time as i can with mat, when i know he likes me? WHY AM I BREAKING MY OWN RULES AND GOING AGAINST WHAT I BELIEVE? this has been scaring me for awhile now. i just can't see how knowing a guy for a few months changed so much in me.

and i hate writing all of this down. mostly for fear of him reading it and being like, "okay, so she's obsessive, let's just not talk to her anymore ...". bah!

the thing is, i know that he cares about me, and i know that he will miss me.

why does he make me so happy? how is it that i can feel so satisfied, and safe when he puts his arms around me. why do i feel like i need him?

i need sleep.

mat is the first guy i have liked, who it hurts when i think of him kissing other girls or see him with other girls. it just hurts. robin used to say how she couldn't watch tristen hug and kiss jamie, and even though i liked him too, i could deal, it was fine. now i know how she felt.

i knew it all along, but it's finaly hitting me, i really do like mat. this isn't a crush. it's real. it's something i haven't felt before. goddmanit. how do you let go of something that seems so perfect?

what am i even talking about?! perfect doesn't exist. good relationships don't happen in high school. it's all just stupid shit. i run away from guys when it seems like i have a chance with them. my feelings change too often for me to care about just one guy. this is how i fucking think. these are the things i told mat when we first started talking. so why haven't i even wanted to hook up with any guys all summer even though i was single and had chances to? why can't i find any flaws with my relationship over the past few weeks with mat? why do i spend as much time as i can with mat, when i know he likes me? WHY AM I BREAKING MY OWN RULES AND GOING AGAINST WHAT I BELIEVE?

in response to my perfect girlfriend quiz results

redxorxblue: yeah, you would definately be the perfect girlfriend
GanstaBtchBarbi: cus i am amazing
GanstaBtchBarbi: lol
redxorxblue: you are!
redxorxblue: seriously
GanstaBtchBarbi: i was kidding
GanstaBtchBarbi: i know i'd probably suck as a girlfriend
GanstaBtchBarbi: but i love the quiz for being nice!
redxorxblue: eh
redxorxblue: you've pretty much been my gf for the past month
redxorxblue: but not entirely
GanstaBtchBarbi: lol
GanstaBtchBarbi: ok then, how have i been doing? lol
redxorxblue: i think you've been awesome
redxorxblue: seriously
GanstaBtchBarbi: thanks
redxorxblue: its true
GanstaBtchBarbi: yet you still went out with elisabeth instead of me for months ;-)
redxorxblue: ask tristan to kick me in the balls
GanstaBtchBarbi: why?
redxorxblue: because that was just stupid of me

bah

this is so weird. i didn't expect it to turn out like this... comments like that. i read them and it's fine, then i realize that it's mat, talking to me, about him and me, and it seems so unreal. what the fuck is going on?! my brain says that either he doesn't really care and is just pretending, or this can't be real. last night i was lying next to him on the ground, and every few minutes i had to look up at him and touch his cheek, just to make sure that it was real.

"yeah, so today amber, my girlfriend... and amber dragged me to electra, and i had a good time. i felt akward, but it was fun..." made me a bit sad/angry, just because i am like that.

next post:
"Mon, Sep. 8th, 2003, 01:13 am
holy shizzle batman
well... a lot has changed since i last updated here. went through 2 crazy girlfriends and now im getting attached to a girl im not going out with, and im confused... me... girl... attached... it doesnt make sense. i should sleep soon... but i dont want too."

and then:
"Mon, Sep. 8th, 2003, 11:55 pm
i dont think i can take anymore
so right now im listening to emo music, just finished futurama, and i still feel so... i dont know how i feel. lindz called me up and was upset, something about tristans comment clicked with her, and as i was finding out what was goign on my mom guilt tripped me into going with her to windsor, i got back at 11, never did finish talking to lindsay, and thats all i wanted to do.she thinks she knows that i dont feel the same way about her as she does to me. she thinks that im using her. she thinks if we were going out i'd lose interest in her as quickly as i usually do. and this is the first girl i've felt such a strong connection to. and im leaving her in 2 weeks. and i dont know. im just fucking with my own head right now. im gonna continue downloading story of the year and watching cartoons."

k, so wow. that last one almost made me cry

1. he wanted to talk to me?
2. i do feel that way. him writing about it... i don't know... just didn't see that coming.
3. the connection thing. i dunno, but i feel really connected to him. i got to know him quick, but i felt close to him quicker. it just seems like he gets me, and i get him in the important ways. we don't have to agree, but i can see things his way. i don't know how to describe this at all, but there is this connection there.
4. he's getting attached?! lol i remember going to denny's, and talking in the car ride there about some of his relationships, and how he can't get attached anymore, got hurt too much in the past. i said that he wasn't missing much... didn't say that i was already kinda attached to him. damnit, doesn't that suck? i get attached and he leaves bah! eh, it happens.

i am going to miss him, a fuckload. it seems like i can't annoy him. most people get annoyed with me real quick. he says that he can't get annoyed with me, because i do the same things he does. i feel so comfortable around him, emotionaly and physicaly.

damn, see i actualy care about him, and i'm physicaly attracted to him, i want him damnit! lol. seeing a guy and bein like, "oh he's cute" just doesn't mean anything anymore.

littlemissalibi: hola
Splitchic3: hi
Splitchic3: yuck
littlemissalibi: yuck>
littlemissalibi: ?
Splitchic3: today was not a good day
littlemissalibi: ?
Splitchic3: you read what i wrote in my blogs last night?
littlemissalibi: ya
Splitchic3: yea
Splitchic3: that thing with what tristen said really got to me
Splitchic3: i dunno why
Splitchic3: but it did
Splitchic3: i read what he said, and something just clicked
littlemissalibi: ok. we are going to go over every piece of this one by one
littlemissalibi: im opening ur blogg hol on
Splitchic3: lol
littlemissalibi: im serious lol
Splitchic3: there's more in the second blog, and it has the post that's in my normal one too
littlemissalibi: Splitchic3: i am so obsessive
Splitchic3: hah
Splitchic3: i need to stop that
freddy furious: wha brings this up?
Splitchic3: mmmm i can't stop thinking about mat, and i bring him up with whoever i talk to lol

littlemissalibi: tis because you are happi, and there is no problem talking about mat
littlemissalibi: lol
Splitchic3: ok
littlemissalibi: you've listened to me ramble on about tristen forever
Splitchic3: heheh
littlemissalibi: Splitchic3: i'm not even going out with him
Splitchic3: i have a problem
freddy furious: nah u just like being liked
freddy furious: nothing wrong with that.
Splitchic3: no, i just like liking someone

littlemissalibi: everyone likes being liked
littlemissalibi: you don't have a problem
littlemissalibi: you like him
littlemissalibi: it is a little thing called horemones
littlemissalibi: it's natural lol
littlemissalibi: you like liking someone when they like you back, and that is what has happened
littlemissalibi: lol
littlemissalibi: it's not just that u like liking someone
Splitchic3: but he doesn't like me like i like him
littlemissalibi: shh
littlemissalibi: let me continue
littlemissalibi: Splitchic3: i don't think he likes me in the way i really want him to
freddy furious: in all honesty i can say he doesnt
freddy furious: cuz of what he said to me an cathy i kno he doesnt.

littlemissalibi: don't trust what other people say about other people (?)
littlemissalibi: lol
littlemissalibi: it's called gossip and everything gets screwed up
Splitchic3: k
littlemissalibi: perfect example: i was talking to tristen one day abotu JQ kissing other girls in school
littlemissalibi: he changed it into telling JQ that she was skanki for making out with other girls in school
littlemissalibi: u get it?
littlemissalibi: lol
Splitchic3: yea
Splitchic3: but something about what tristen said made me think, even if he did misenterpret
littlemissalibi: shh
littlemissalibi: let me continue and then we'll talk
Splitchic3: k
littlemissalibi: lol i've been thinking about the convo u 2 have had too
littlemissalibi: lol
littlemissalibi: Splitchic3: lol
Splitchic3: what did he say?
freddy furious: "yep broke up with elisabeth to make out with lindsya a motnh befor i go away to college...ohhh yea...*smile*
freddy furious: basicly came off liek " look at how smooth i am"

littlemissalibi: don't think that is what mat said. sometimes guys just come off differently to different people, they aren't interpreted correctly.
littlemissalibi: in some ways i could see mat saying that, but only with complete sarcasm.
littlemissalibi: he realized he didn't like elizabeth and dumped her. he was more attracted to you, and actually had fun hanging out with you
littlemissalibi: i know this because mat is my friend, and he opens up to me about stuff like this.
littlemissalibi: he had his doubts about getting together with you, because he didn't want to come off that way... like, trying to get a piece of ass (your ass) before going to college
littlemissalibi: freddy furious: then it quickly changed to "hey didn you make otu with lindsay once?"
freddy furious: "uhh ya, who told you? did i? i dont think i told anyone."

littlemissalibi: lol tristen told me before you told me
Splitchic3: hmm
Splitchic3: i thought it was weird that tristen added that
Splitchic3: because even if that were the convo, why does it matter?
littlemissalibi: i think he was just trying to make a point that mat tried to change the subject or something
Splitchic3: oh
littlemissalibi: seriously i don't understand where tristen got his opinion
littlemissalibi: because it makes absolutely no sense to me.
littlemissalibi: what it sounds like is mat maybe being sarcastic if anything
littlemissalibi: just like how tristen would go around with his friends pointing out all the places we had had sex in his car
littlemissalibi: lol
Splitchic3: heh
littlemissalibi: complete sarcasm
littlemissalibi: it can be a cruel thing to judge
littlemissalibi: onto mat's convo with u
littlemissalibi: redxorxblue: lol... fuck tristans comment
Splitchic3: what?
redxorxblue: freddy furious: "yep broke up with elisabeth to make out with lindsya a motnh befor i go away to college...ohhh yea...*smile*
freddy furious: basicly came off liek " look at how smooth i am"
littlemissalibi: atleast mat didn't just ignore it.
littlemissalibi: he's trying to do something about it. he has 2 weeks left and he wants you to know that that is NOT the way he feels.
littlemissalibi: redxorxblue: im reading your blog... and that pissed me off... cause it was seriously nothing like that
Splitchic3: yea?
redxorxblue: and i honestly dont think im that much of an asshole... or maybe i am
littlemissalibi: i think you can agree with me that tristen has a way of making everyone sound like an asshole, eh?
Splitchic3: yea
littlemissalibi: Splitchic3: and i don't think tristen's comment was supposed to be an insult to you
littlemissalibi: i think tristen needs to stop climbing into other people's social lifes.
Splitchic3: heh
littlemissalibi: redxorxblue: and im not playing you, honestly
redxorxblue: ya?
Splitchic3: how would i be able to know if you were?
redxorxblue: i dunno

littlemissalibi: because you are supposed to be able to trust him linz.
littlemissalibi: he's ur friend, he has been your friend for a while now.
littlemissalibi: you've prolly hung out with him more than i have.
littlemissalibi: there have been plenty of times when he could have tried to take off ur clothes or get in ur pants but he's a good enough guy to know better
littlemissalibi: Splitchic3: i know that you tend to stay in relationships with people you don't give a fuck about
littlemissalibi: that's not true.
littlemissalibi: i know that he was attracted to elizabeth, but kind of got stuck between a rock and a hard place.
littlemissalibi: he didn't want to seem like an asshole by dumping her to hang out with you
littlemissalibi: but at the same time he knew he had more fun with you
littlemissalibi: redxorxblue: i like you for you, how i can be myself around you, like i said earlier, and its the first. and i dunno, its just wierd. im just wierd.
Splitchic3: yea, and that makes us friends

littlemissalibi: and isn't friends the most important thing here?
littlemissalibi: you can be friends, and love (if it goes that far) someone
littlemissalibi: Splitchic3: what are you thinking about?
redxorxblue: just you, and my feelings and all that. im trying to figure out what i feel

littlemissalibi: he's just as confused as you are
littlemissalibi: don't push the situation linz.
littlemissalibi: you have a habit of overthinking situations and jumping to conclusions.
littlemissalibi: trust your friendship for what it is.
littlemissalibi: who would you rather listen to? tristen telling you about how mat said something one day, or robin telling you what mat is like, after being friends with him for a while, and having seriously discussed thigs like this with him
littlemissalibi: damn i just wrote a lot
littlemissalibi: lol
Splitchic3: heh
littlemissalibi: u asleep yet?
littlemissalibi: lol
Splitchic3: thanks hun
Splitchic3: that really helped put things in perspective
littlemissalibi: lol
Splitchic3: i guess i was being a bit selfish bout the whole thing, huh?
littlemissalibi: this is how robin's screwed up mind thinks lol
littlemissalibi: honestly, yes. i have the same problem with tristen
littlemissalibi: you need to think about what's going on in his mind too.
littlemissalibi: it's going to be hard for him to just leave after meeting a great friend like you, who he is attracted to.
Splitchic3: i'm so used to liking people, and it being one sided ... that i keep forgetting that this has to be hard for him too
littlemissalibi: exactly
littlemissalibi: same with me
littlemissalibi: it's a shitload of different feelings
littlemissalibi: and sometimes it sucks
Splitchic3: and i keep forgetting that it is possible that he might care about me, lol i'm not used to that! being a possibility!
littlemissalibi: but it happens
littlemissalibi: lol
littlemissalibi: he does care about you
littlemissalibi: it's not a possibility. it's reality
littlemissalibi: you are his friend
Splitchic3: oh i know he cares about me as a friend
littlemissalibi: and i know he's attracted to you
littlemissalibi: it's just hard for him to be able to express that, knowing he does have to leave in 2 weeks
littlemissalibi: it's a shithole
Splitchic3: yea
littlemissalibi: but there are going to be other guys
Splitchic3: hah the first guy i find who i really care about, and he leaves
littlemissalibi: have fun with mat while he's here
littlemissalibi: and then move on
Splitchic3: i know
littlemissalibi: as soon as this attraction stuff starts it's like a fuckin whirlwind
littlemissalibi: lol
littlemissalibi: there will definately be more
littlemissalibi: lol i was talking to brandon today
littlemissalibi: like, a completely serious talk, which is wierd, seeing he and i have not realli been friends, just both hung out with tristen and travis
littlemissalibi: and in some ways he really did help me see what guys see.
littlemissalibi: they need us just as much as we want them lol
Splitchic3: hehe
littlemissalibi: but just don't sweat the small stuff.
littlemissalibi: hug him and cuddle with him and hold his hand and have fun
littlemissalibi: because even though you are going to miss it when he leaves, you'll know how good it feels.
littlemissalibi: dammit im making myself cry

long talk with robin, and i feel so much better now. she helped put it into perspective.

so pretty much i was being a selfish douche.

i keep forgetting that i'm not the only one who this situation's hard on.

lol i am so used to liking guys and having it be completely one way, that i forget that it might not be.

mat is my friend, and i should never have doubted him. i didn't really doubt him, but i let what tristen said change things, cus today was not normal.

i guess what i also wasn't thinking about, was that there will be other guys in my life, that i will care about just as much as mat, possibly even more. and you know what? this isn't my last chance at getting someone. i'm okay looking, and sane, and a nice person, guys will be attracted to me. i don't have to end up alone. i think this summer changed me. i am much more confident than i was a year ago, and i don't need to fall back into the "i am pathetic, pity me" thing i used to do.

supposed to be in bed, got distracted, shhhhhh don't tell!

redxorxblue: lol... fuck tristans comment
Splitchic3: what?
redxorxblue: freddy furious: "yep broke up with elisabeth to make out with lindsya a motnh befor i go away to college...ohhh yea...*smile*
freddy furious: basicly came off liek " look at how smooth i am"
Splitchic3: oh
Splitchic3: lol
redxorxblue: im reading your blog... and that pissed me off... cause it was seriously nothing like that
Splitchic3: yea?
redxorxblue: and i honestly dont think im that much of an asshole... or maybe i am
redxorxblue: i dunno. i give up on people.
Splitchic3: wait a minute, i'm peopel
redxorxblue: so am i
Splitchic3: why give up on people? yea they have issues ... but they are worth it
redxorxblue: hmm
redxorxblue: hopefully
Splitchic3: some of them are
Splitchic3: lol like ma
Splitchic3: *me
Splitchic3: and i don't think tristen's comment was supposed to be an insult to you
redxorxblue: and im not playing you, honestly
redxorxblue: ya?
Splitchic3: how would i be able to know if you were?
redxorxblue: i dunno
Splitchic3: i know that you tend to stay in relationships with people you don't give a fuck about
redxorxblue: ya, but i tend to avoid the person im in the relationship with
redxorxblue: i dont ask them to hang out almost everyday
Splitchic3: no, it was just him saying that you don't like me in that way, and there's nothing wrong with that
redxorxblue: i like you for you, how i can be myself around you, like i said earlier, and its the first. and i dunno, its just wierd. im just wierd.
Splitchic3: yea, and that makes us friends
redxorxblue: yeah
Splitchic3: it's not weird lol
Splitchic3: well, if you don't want anything to do with people i guess it kinda is lol
redxorxblue: lol

just when i thought i had everything under control and all figured out, i have to think again.

redxorxblue: my head hurts... lol
redxorxblue: thinking is bad

heheh great timing

Splitchic3: yes it is
Splitchic3: what are you thinking about?
redxorxblue: just you, and my feelings and all that. im trying to figure out what i feel

see! am i supposed to believe that?

you know what really sucks? if he is playing me, i could yell at him, but it wouldn't matter, cus he wouldn't care.

damn, why do i care so much about this one? oh yea, cus he is just what i wanted. he really is though, i'm not streatching it, the situation is so perfect to what i always used to dream about. it's kinda creapy ...

reading my blog back, i do this so often

thinking about mat, reading the blog doesn't help me stop lol

remembering this time we hung out. i was walking home after school, and i saw him, so he pulled over at the side of the road. he brought me to my house so i could call my mom and ask if i could hang out with him. then we went to the station for some reason. sat there watching tv for a while and talking. we talked about everything, and it was great. then we drove around hartford, and i told him about how crap my love life is. and then i was talking about kissing guys, and how i should ask questions first like do you have a psycho ex? do you have a girlfriend? and i remember really wanting to kiss him. and i remember finding out within the next week that he was going out with elisabeth ...

heh i remember all of that, and i kinda sighed, thinking, damn, now i will never get to kiss him. then i remembered the last three weeks hehehe

i can't help but wonder if maybe i should have just kissed him one of those times when i wanted to. or atleast have admnited to liking him. i guess he read my blog, cus this one time he asked me who i had a crush on, i told him that i "didn't remember who i had been talking about". heh he talked about that the other night, and how he knew at the time that i liked him. i wonder what would have happened if i had made a move before elisabeth did. i wouldn't have wanted to have a relationship with him like she did, because he never cared like i think he should have. he says it would have been different. i don't know, i bet he would have lost interest in me just as quick as he did in her. but he told me that he liked me back in june, and it's almost three months since then, and ... i don't know how he feels, he must feel something though, i hope. well, even if we had been able to have a good relationship, and he had started going out with me instead of her, i would be more attached now than i already am. if we had dated, it would be even harder when he leaves.

hmmmmm i really do like him. i care about him as a friend, but i like him as more. i don't just want a physical relationship. i know that he isn't going to like me in the way that i like him. i know that he cares, but he isn't capable of caring in the way that i think i do want him to. i'm okay with that. i feel guilty though, like i shouldn't care the way i do, because it could make it harder on him, to have to deal with the way i feel for him. i am happy with what i have though.

it's kinda weird. i wasn't looking for a boyfriend. i didn't want to care about someone like this. i didn't think i could. but i can't help the way i feel, and i KNOW that i feel something.

i think that's it. it's sad, but i can deal.

i will be so fucking pissed if he plays me though. if he acts like he has feelings and doesn't. pissed at myself, for falling for it again. why did i trust him? he's a guy, they aren't trust worthy, and i attach feelings to them, and that blurs my judgement.

i'm going to get played a lot aren't i? i don't get much attention from guys, and so i leach on to any that notice me. i am such a sucker. i want to believe people, and i'm desperate. hmmmm i think i should not tell guys that i have a crap love life and never get attention from guys, because that's just like waving a banner that says "hey i'm desperate! play me!"

Splitchic3: i am so obsessive
Splitchic3: hah
Splitchic3: i need to stop that
freddy furious: wha brings this up?
Splitchic3: mmmm i can't stop thinking about mat, and i bring him up with whoever i talk to lol
freddy furious: so?
Splitchic3: i'm not even going out with him
Splitchic3: i have a problem
freddy furious: nah u just like being liked
freddy furious: nothing wrong with that.
Splitchic3: no, i just like liking someone
Splitchic3: i don't think he likes me in the way i really want him to
freddy furious: in all honesty i can say he doesnt
freddy furious: cuz of what he said to me an cathy i kno he doesnt.
Splitchic3: lol
Splitchic3: what did he say?
freddy furious: "yep broke up with elisabeth to make out with lindsya a motnh befor i go away to college...ohhh yea...*smile*
freddy furious: basicly came off liek " look at how smooth i am"
Splitchic3: lol
freddy furious: then it quickly changed to "hey didn you make otu with lindsay once?"
freddy furious: "uhh ya, who told you? did i? i dont think i told anyone."

lalalalala hada add that. i wouldn't think my obsessiveness were an issue if the person i was obsessed with actualy gave a fuck about me.

the only reason that pisses me off, is cus of the way he was talking to me on friday night. he made it seem like he might care about me. i jus really wish people could be honest, and not play games.

last week we went to lunch and we were talking about our relationship, and it was like "yea, friends with benefits, and that's why we haven't gotten bored with each other yet", and that's fine by me, because we were both on the same page, and i knew what was going on. that's all i really want from life, to know what is going on.

i don't want mat to leave. and it's going to suck when he does.

it's not that i need him, but that i like him being there. and it's not that he is my life, but he makes my life.

i know that i will be okay when he leaves, and i know that it's the right thing and all, but it's going to be hard to lose him.

it scares me how much he means to me, and how much i think about him. it really scares me how i feel when i am with him. we'll be lying on his bed, doing nothing, saying nothing, and i will be so happy. you know that type of happy where nothing bad matters, nothing can get to you, and you don't have any thoughts, you are just so lost in the moment, pure contentment. i care about him too much to let him get to me. he'll make some comment, and i automaticaly think the worst, cus that's what i do. usualy, i would just sit there and be upset, with mat i have to bring it up, and then he makes it clear that he wasn't trying to be mean, and i misunderstood, and it's all good.

dinner time!