argh
i think about me liking him, and i think, "i gotta get over him, i should get over him, i'm getting over him"
then i think about him, and i think, "i want him, i miss him, how am i going to get over him?"
to sum it up, i suck! i'm still that pathetic little girl. yippee! maybe some day i'll grow up.

i've said it before, and i will say it again, i need to get over mat. argh

just broke the glass my candle is in. that's what you get for trying to melt the wax off of the sides of a cold glass container. it made a cute little "pop" sound heh.

i'm sick of being pathetic. i don't want to be that girl anymore who whines about liking someone she can't have. i want to move on. he doesn't like me that way, he is gone, time for me to move on.

i will move on eventualy, but i haven't yet. i'm impatient, i don't want to wait, i don't want it to take time, i just want to throw and the feelings and have them gone, for good. that's the crapest part, i tend to get over guys, just to have the feelings come back later.

listening to foo fighters. i started singing one of their songs that i have on cd this morning while i was getting into the shower. i don't know what triggered. i hadn't listened to them, i don't think anyways, lately.

Foo Fighters Lonely As You:

What would I do
Lonely as you
Pleasure or pain
I can't choose

What would I do
Lonely as you
Pleasure or pain
I can't choose

Wake up
You're dreaming
I can't stand your screaming
Drowning out these prayers
Just some words without meaning

Spare all the breaching
My secrets worth keeping
No one understands like I do

Keep out of reach
I'm your leading deletion
Hide behind these masks
Though they still see right through them

Every now and then
You're down and out my friend
Down and out again {x3}
But I'm down with you

One more time for the last time
One more time for release
One more time for the last time
Everyone wants to believe

Blame it on you, thought these years I've been losing
Blame it on the past, it's the last place I know you
Blame all the children, they're raging and ruined
Blame it on the black and the blue

Every now and then
You're down and out my friend
Down and out again {x3}
But I'm down with you

One more time for the last time
One more time for release
One more time for the last time
Everyone wants to believe

Every now and then
You're down and out my friend
Down and out again {x3}
But I'm down with you

One more time for the last time
One more time for release
One more time for the last time
Everyone wants to believe

One more time for the last time
One more time for release
One more time for the last time
Everyone wants to believe

One more time for the last time
One more time for release
One more time for the very last time
Everyone wants to believe, all right

or maybe i heard it on the radio the other day? i don't remember! bah

they go with my mood though. i don't know what my mood is, or why that is, but it works heh so i'm still listening.

Listening to a mixed CD I made a year ago, it’s got “where’d you go” by the Bosstones on it. I made the CD from music I burnt onto my computer from a few mixed cds of al’s. I saved the songs I liked, and deleted the rest, burnt the good songs onto a cd. I liked this song, I don’t know if I knew it was the Bosstones at first, I figured it out eventually, because it sounds like them. I can’t imagine a time when I couldn’t recognize that song as the being the Bosstones’, they have such an obvious sound, but I didn’t know much of their stuff a year ago. I’m reading old convos I have saved on my computer, I like going through these, it’s funny to see what I needed to hold onto, every time I go through them I delete more. I guess you stop caring after a while. Typing in Microsoft word because I’m not allowed online tonight. I kind of stayed online for an hour longer than I was supposed to last night, oops.

I wrote something in my second blog last night. It started out as a nothing post, but I wrote a lot, a lot of stuff that I really just wanted to say outside of my head. I went to push the post and publish button, I usually copy and paste my entries before posting in case blogger looses them, but I haven’t for a while, as I clicked it I knew that it was lost, I was right. I started to rewrite it, but then my mom kicked me off, and it wouldn’t post, so I sent it to myself via aol. Tried to go online before first in school to post, but the server was down. By the time the server was back up, I only got to opening aol before the bell rang, and I had to go to math. Tried again during lunch, aol wasn’t working. Would have tried when I got home, but I’m not allowed online. Thinking maybe I’m not supposed to post it.

Hmm I don’t recall much of what I wrote. I admitted to being jealous of Elisabeth. It hurt that Mat chose her over me, and seeing her, still reminds me. She already acted like she thought she was better than I was, it crushed me when he agreed with her.

Him not liking me would be one thing, picking her over me, that hurts so much. It’s not like I expected him to like me. He was one of those crushes who you can talk to, hang out with, be friends with, dream about them liking you, but you know you have no chance of getting them as yours. “We accept the love we think we deserve”, I never thought I was good enough for him. I think that says it all right there; I didn’t think I deserved for him to like me, I wasn’t good enough. That explains my actions, my thoughts, all of it.

Am I right? Obviously I think that I am. From what I’ve seen of him, he’s the type of guy who usually has a girlfriend. From what I know about me, I’m the type of girl who is usually single. He has options, why would he ever choose someone as undesired as me? heh notice that I said “undesired”, referring to how no guys seem to want me; I didn’t say “undesirable”, that would mean that no guy should like me. I’m working on this whole self-confidence, thinking I deserve to live thing lol.

Heh I kind of wonder what he thinks. Why he choose her over me. I know what he said to me. First there was the thing about wanting to hurt one person instead of two. Which doesn’t even make sense. Then there was the “I was stupid” excuse, yeah, well Tristen gave me that same line. What makes them realize that they were being “stupid”? Why do I only seem worth it in retrospect? I’m not being sarcastic, I want to know. Oh yeah, can’t forget the “I’m too much of a damn pussy to break up with someone so I’m going to be an ass to her “make it clear” that I’m not interested in her anymore and hope she breaks up with me” excuse. Once again, that’s crap, because YOU ARE FUCKING HURTING HER BY BEING AN ASS TO HER, isn’t that what you were trying to avoid? Months of him knowing how I felt, months of him not thinking I was worth it. That’s why I wasn’t planning on telling him how I felt. If I kept it to myself, I wasn’t being rejected; as soon as he knew how I felt, and he didn’t do anything about it, he was rejecting me.

I want to be the one who is wanted, I’m sick and tired of chasing boys I like, I’m sick of the work, mostly I’m sick of being rejected. It’s not that I refuse to put work into a relationship or getting a guy, but I want them to want me. lol I want a relationship!

good day today. i just felt happy, and liked, both are always nice.

i got hugs today! people said hi to me and gave me a hug! so random.

jenn meade was nice to me. huh? it's not like she's been mean to me lately, but she went out of her way to talk to me, and i stole a pen from her because i didn't have one today.

talked to erica and robin like normal. lis was in the art room with us at lunch, she laughed at something i said, which i meant to be funny, she laughed with not at me! and i know she doesn't like me.

i talked to people during play practice.

the whole day, i had people, it was great.

so i wrote in my other blog last night about all of the things that have bothered me over the past few years enough for me to still remember them. i wrote each thing, then typed "gone". i let stuff people do and say get to me, and i don't talk about it much, so i don't get over it, but i still feel it. even though it's not big enough that it would make me stop being their friend, it still stings sometimes. when it stings, i get pissy with them, and close up, which really isn't helping my friendships. chris webber told me i needed a way of releiving stress, he said it in his typical prick way, which made me want to make fun of all of that crap. so i wrote the stuff with the gone at the end, i thought it was what some lame doctor would tell me to do. i guess i proved their point and not mine, because it worked. after i wrote the things, i did feel like i was letting go, and they still feel gone, and i feel overall happier, more at ease, and more able to be open with people. goddamn them for proving me wrong! these aren't even specific people, but a type of person, and what i imagine them to think, yet they beat me. lol i suck.

the wick of my candle looks creapy, i don't know why or how, it just started to look creapy when i lit it, it hissed too, that didn't help. i'm rather afraid it's going to hurt me!

so last night i talk to bunches of people online, and tonight i have no one! comeon guys! you could have planned this better. take turns or something lol.

people kept saying that i was obsessed, or infatuated with mat. of course i didn't want to hear or accept that. who wants to say that what you say you feel isn't real? an infatuation isn't real, it's all in your head. obsessions aren't healthy, and the word always makes me think of one person living for someone who will never reciprocate their feelings. i didn't want to be that either. sometimes, you can't help but wonder if they are right.

maybe it was all in my head. i thought he was cute, and liking having someone to like and wanting to fall for someone, i created deeper feelings in my head. or maybe i got out of control, and fell hard for someone who cared for me no where near as much as i cared for him.

in the past, i was quicker to agree that i was obsessive, that my feelings weren't that deep, that i had no hopes of him liking me back. this time though, it really felt different, and i think that made it more real. it's a damn viscious cycle, i liked that i had real feelings for him, and liking him means i had real feelings for him, which made me like him more, etc. this time i felt like he liked me too.

it seemed like he liked me. he's a good friend, i know that he knows me, and i think i know him pretty well too. i felt like i understood him, or atleast could relate.

i thought that this time i was doing the right thing. i liked a guy who i knew, and who cared about me. it was a healthy crush, i had gotten past my obsessive tendencies. then there was the possibility that he had feelings for me. i had kind of felt that there was something between him and i, so this made me feel like it was okay for me to like him. this time i felt like i was in the right liking him, he was a good guy, who i knew, who might even like me too; he wasn't some ass who i obsessed over from afar.

to me, it was real. being with him made happy, i could talk to him, and all that crap. (i'm feeling not sad anymore so this is going to be interesting. i don't even remember where i was going with this, but i wanted to say all of it, everything i've been thinking, lie it out) but i don't think i can tell if it is real when i am in it.

i spent a lot of time trying to figure out what i felt, lol this blog, and what that meant. god, there used to be a time when i didn't share my goddamn feelings, when they were mine, and i kept them to myself, when i didn't have to discuss them with people to understand them. part of me still thinks that that's the better way to go, that way you don't get your feelings muddled and twisted by others' views, but an outside view can be helpful. when you go to someone for advice, you never know if they are going to make it that much worse, or better.

why do i feel the need to write these long things? i don't know, but i do, so i'm gunna stick with it.

to wrap this up, because i am bored with it:
i want to like him, because i feel like's it's okay for me to like him; i had real feelings for him for the right reasons and i did feel it was somehting special (as cheesy as that sounds), mostly because ... i can't even say it, i'm so pathetic.

i want to be over him, because it's stupid to like him. he's real far away. even if he were here, heh i just don't see him staying in a relationship with me.

i wish robin had never told him that i liked him.

i wish i had made a move when i wanted to and not backed down.

all and all, i guess it was just your average crush. there was still something there though, and i can't put my finger on it, but there was something. lol maybe that somehting was normal, and i just hadn't felt it before. maybe i really don't know what's going on.

i don't, i don't know what's going on. i don't what to delve into this anymore though. my feelings are all documented in here.

it's time to live, and i'm ready, i do know that much. come what may. if i meet someone knew, it happens, if i don't, it's okay. it's time to stop focusing on the past, because i can't change it.

HONESTLY i suck at keeping secrets.

my mom was right, i'm transparent, only not to me. i mention my second blog, and i don't think anything of it, but turns out some part of me wants to share.

i think i've lost all of my sanity. oh well

sharing this with other people only affects me if i let it. it's more about them. hmmmmmmmmmm

you know what? i think i'm gunna be okay. ::dun dun dun::

redxorxblue: not too much... i decided i was lonely and asked one of the girls i met sunday too the movies

heh, and for once i feel okay with that. oh course i didn't discuss it more with him so i don't fully know what that means... but i'm okay with it.

i let that sink in for a while before i wrote about it.

my conclusion:
a) tomorrow, or the next day it will kill me, i just haven't gotten there yet
b) i'm okay with the thought of mat dating.
a is self explanitory and seems the more likely.
b could have multiple reasons:
1) he's far enough out of my life that i feel, temporarily, dissattached. this means it's gunna suck when he comes back in december
2) i am growing up. i have accepted that he can like more than one person, or can have gotten over me, and either would be okay. he's still my friend, and he's still a good guy. it's not like i haven't thought about any other guys since he left.
3) i'm over him?
4) i'm ready to move on
5) i want to move on, and this is a great reason to do so

i'm leaning towards it being mainly number 1, but then 5 becomes a factor too, a little bit 2 also, i know all of that, but i'm not sure if i can still feel it when it comes to dealing with thinking about him and another girl. yet here i am, thinking about it, and i'm pretty much fine. a little sad, but nothing mood breaking. i don't know, we'll see... this could get ugly

redxorxblue: wasn't too bad... you prolly read all about it in my livejournal though
GanstaBtchBarbi: yea
GanstaBtchBarbi: lol
redxorxblue: lol, i figured as much by your blog entry

gargh. what's up with him reading into the things that i say? huh? and why is right?

GanstaBtchBarbi: lol
redxorxblue: he says you laugh about it. i know you laugh when you dont know what to say

... i do laugh when i don't know to say, and that was one of those situations...

i wish i could just say to him how i feel, and have it not sound stupid.

i wish i could tell him how much i miss him, and not just because he is my friend. it's everything. and i'm not over him yet, and i don't know when i will be. i want to say that too, but couldn't bring myself to say it...i can imagine his response as, *pause*, "oh, uhmm yeah. welll see..." because he has no feelings for me like that.

i started to feel like i knew what was going on tonight. i knew i still like him, i knew that i still miss him in earnesty, not because i force myself to. i wanted to talk to him, and i wanted to tell him how i feel...then he called, and i couldn't. i think i need to say this to him, it's just hard. i don't want to lose him, scare him away...but he didn't get scared away before, i don't know.bah

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
just got off the phone, talked to mat for over an hour straight.

i can't put into words how he makes me feel. i miss him more than words can describe. i can't believe how i miss him, it really does scare me. talking to him, picking up the phone and hearing his voice, it's such a great feeling; being on the phone with him, knowing that he's connected to me... he always gives me this sense of contentment, and peace, and safety, and comfort, all at once.

i didn't expect to fall for him this much, but i did. the way i feel about him, is how i wanted to feel about every other guy i ever liked.

it does kind of scare me, and it does make me want to slap myself sometimes. but what i've realized, is yeah, i have strong feelings for him, but it's ok. it's not like i think i'm in love. i just really care about this guy who is a great friend, and whom i have a crush on. it happens.

this is the closest i've ever gotten to a guy i liked. so it's scary, and hard, but worth it. i needed to grow up, i needed experience. that's what i got/am getting with mat. and i'm real glad that i got that chance.

you can theorize about love, and lust, and like; you don't know anything for sure until you feel it.

hehe i'm a loser. i miss mat.

when he left, it was like part of me died. it's the part of me that used to be so happy when he was around, that still is happy sometimes, but not most of the time. i didn't know that this part of me existed, but now that it is dead, i miss it. i miss him, it's not the same with him gone.

i'm still happy, i'm happy with my life, but i still have this hole.

how did i get so attached to him?! i've only been talking to him since february! bah

but he's such a nice guy. and he's real cute. and he makes me feel special. and i am so happy when i am talking to him even thinking about him, although now that makes me sad too; sad and happy. and he's cool to talk to. he wants to watch the right movies when we hang out. he listens to okay music. i want him.

hehe i said that i would let myself fall for the next guy i liked, and i did. i still can't believe that i was lucky enough to meet someone like him. when he left, i didn't lose him, i'm not going to let go of him. even if we never live near eachother again, i won't let go of him. i don't think he wants to let go either, he's called me twice since he left. damn that makes me happy. he has the best timing ever. lol i had just gotten offline, when he called yesterday, and i had been writing about him, and how it didn't seem real, i had been looking for something to hold onto. what better than getting to talk to him?

i'm not getting over him anytime soon. he was everything that i wanted in a boyfriend, how am i going to beat that? lol i know that i will get over him some day, and find other guys i like just as much and more than mat... but it's hard to resolve this. you need to let a reltionship play out, and have fights, and problems, i only had five weeks with him, not enought time to find problems. although, thinking about it, i spent a lot of time with him this summer, and then we were kinda together for over a month, that's a good chunk of time, and i can't think of any fights, not real ones, just like with pillows lol. see, i needed to go out with him for a while, find his bad points, and that would help to get over him. or to have fought, or been awkward, and known it just wouldn't work for us to be together. other than him being 1900 miles away, i see no reason why we couldn't be in a good relationship. bah oh well, at least he is a part of my life. thanki robin! for uhmm reintroducing us, and giving me his sn, and telling him that i liked him...