mushy love song
LINDSAY IS A MOTHERFUCKING SEX GODDESS!

there! if that doesn't snap linz out of the other half of her bad mood i dont know what else will!

... maybe some peanutbutter and some chocolate whipped cream... dude! maybe some green xmas tree marshmallows!!!

that made me laugh so hard, that made me laugh myself out of a depression

mushy love song
redxorxblue: we should make out on robins parents bed.
GanstaBtchBarbi: lmao
GanstaBtchBarbi: why?
redxorxblue: i dunno, it would be fun?
GanstaBtchBarbi: i would get distracted and try to make waves with the bed
redxorxblue: which would make it more entertaining

that makes me laugh too. that water bed is so much fun!

acidrainstorm451: you know when i was talking to kevin the other night telling him about when im going to be up there, i told him that i was gonna chill with you alittle. and he was like " dude shes like really hot..." then he started saying,...lol "i think shes afraid of me though, so if shes gonna come over to my house with you let me know."

that made me laugh real hard

mushy love song
(speaking of things that make me laugh hard)

this makes me think of my love life

i think i might be rather sad tonight. listening to alkaline trio, writing sad things, connecting with art and poetry. what the hell is wrong with me? i didn't even know that i was sad. i was happy this morning. hehe i just thought back on what i was thinking about this morning, and i could feel my face move from sad to happy. my move smiled, and the rest of my face went from strained to relaxed.

no work tomorrow!

i love my how my hair culrs in little bits. it used to be really curly when i was really young, then it got straight. now it has random curls. hah but curls are fun.

my thoughts scare me sometimes. not so much the thoughts themselves, but how much i think, and how i get rapped up in my thoughts and slip away from the real world.

redxorxblue: ya know, if you acted like you cared, id probably listen to you more

and then i sat there for 5 minutes trying to proces that comment.

see, in my head, it's rather apparent that i care about him, a lot. so i get scared, and try not to show it. although i usually suck at that covering up feelings thing, as my mom said i'm 'transparent'.

maybe i don't show it...... with the way i act, and the things i do

so used to trying not to show that i care. thinking that i shouldn't.

letting go; it isn't about giving things up, is it? it's about letting go of your preconceived thoughts and assumptions. it's about letting go of thoughts, and living.

"It's just that sometimes people use thought to not participate in life."

(somedays i don't know why i talk, because i know that i'm just going to disagree with myself the next day. i swear, i still hate the book)

reading that line made me stop. stop moving, stop reading, stop thinking. it's so true. here i was thinking that thinking made me alive, then this book makes me wonder if maybe it's killing me. i over analyze life, i'll admit it. never really stopped to wonder why i do it. no, that's not true. all too many times i have thought about why i analyze everything, why i keep getting lost in my thoughts. it's one of those thoughts that you don't formulate in your mind, it just sits there, oozing through the rest of your thoughts. you feel it's presence, and it makes you wince, but you won't allow yourself to let it form into a real thought. because maybe if you don't let it form, it will dissapear as quickly as it came. maybe you can kill it before it can hurt you by not thinking it, just let it lie. it doesn't work that way. unformed thoughts, they don't go away, they stay there, tainting the rest of your thoughts untill every thought brings it back.

i guess i've been thinking about this concept for awhile. letting myself go. let my thoughts go, out of my head. i thought writing would do it. as freeing as writing is, it's not all i need anymore. i need to accept every part of me. not deal with my flaws, or even overcome them. accept them for what they are, a part of me. i shouldn't be embarassed to show them. i need to live. i'm starting, i'm so much better off already than i was a year ago, i can do better.

i was so wrong. ahh i did care. i really did, i cared about so much. it's not about not caring, it's about not being bothered by your caring. oh how i suck at explaining things. i think i get it now though.

thanks mat, really.

rinse
“i've started reading "the perks of being a wallflower" awesome book. i definately suggest it.” ~ from Mat’s Livejournal. Well there it is! My reason to not like him! Oh how I dislike that book. I read it back in April or May because my mom gave it to me and said it was good. I definitely felt like I could relate to the kid in the book. Especially how he kind of just watched everything happen but didn’t fully know what was going on. I got some good quotes from there. I decided to reread it this fall, figured it would be kind of different after my summer. Heh when I first read it, I was jealous, why did he get his chance to live and I didn’t. Well this summer was my chance, and I realized the parallel, only I didn’t do any drugs. Any who, I still disliked it. I disliked how the author could take such a great concept, something I related to so much, and destroy it. I hated how he wrote it, well no, I liked the structure, but I hated the way he made the kid seem slow. He made the kid seem too young. Hmm looking back, made I just got too attached to it. I really felt like I was the author, I could have been him writing those things. It always pisses me off when people tell me that I am immature and clueless, because I know that I’m not. So it would make sense if I overreacted. Still, I didn’t like how he portrayed the boy. No freshman boy in high school does not know what masturbation is, right? Then I again, I didn’t… fuck, I’m losing this argument aren’t I? I hate it when I do that. How the hell can I lose an argument that I started, without anyone, other than myself, to contest my points? I need to finish that book again. I was reading it, so it was by my bed, then I moved my bed, so I haven’t seen it to pick it up.

Yesterday was great, I felt like I was over Mat. This morning too, then I found myself thinking about him. Thinking about him coming back, and being okay with being his friend. And then I missed him again. I wanted him again. What the fuck? Why did I have to think about him? That pissed me off, I was doing so well there, and now I’m stuck again. I keep thinking that I’m okay, and I feel over him for a few days, but I don’t want to let go. Haha I am like Charlie, pathetic little crushes and all. I did appreciate that part of the book. He had a me type crush. He had good reason for liking her, but of course he couldn’t have her. Although, he gets a girlfriend… stupid freshman.

Ever feel like you are screaming your lungs out to no avail? You keep screaming, just wanting someone to take a good look at you, notice that you’re screaming, but they don’t.

I’m just upset, overreacting. I read Mat’s journal, I really shouldn’t do that anymore, and it depressed me again. I like how when I tell him he’s a good person it means nothing, but other people do and…… fuck it.

p.s. ARRRRRRRRRR i love when blogger won't post, so i write elsewhere, and by the time i get around to posting, i feel differently. i'm not sad, i'm smiling :) fuck you mat.