i'm crying again. that silent crying, where your eyes just keep crying, but the rest of you hurts too much to do anything about it.

i don't know why i'm crying, but here are the things that have been running through my head. some for days, some from just before i started crying. there what i can't get out of my head.:

i've wanted mat for nearly a year.
buffy didn't really love angel, she couldn't ever love him in the full sense of the word, because she became infatuated with him in high school. she wanted him first at a time when she just wanted to be liked, i don't know if a real love of who he WAS could ever come from that. it was more about the relationship than the person. spike she could truely love, even though it wasn't as sweet or beautiful... it's was real, and flawed.
i don't know what i'd do if i lost mat from my life.
i can't help feeling that this is it... that mat will come back in two weeks, that we'll kiss and whatever, and when he leaves whatever we had will be gone.
he said he couldn't get attached, he couldn't fall in love. i have this strong memory of sitting in his car that night, going to dennys, and him saying how he couldn't get attached anymore. i told him he didn't want to because it sucks. i had already grown so attached to him, i hoped he didn't know. still, as he said that he couldn't get attached, my first thought was "maybe i can make you care". it was one of those thoughts that comes so quickly that you can't stop yourself from thinking it, and you want to ignore it and pretend it never happened, but you can't forget it.
he wanted robin and jenn before he liked me.

what am i supposed to do now? what can i do now? i don't get to see him for 6 months.

i feel like i need to have a relationship with him so i can get over him. i'm afraid that i'm always going to wonder what if? i'm not going to get the chance to find out what we could have had. 5 weeks at the end of the summer wasn't enough. grrrrrrrrrrr

redxorxblue: im sorta back
redxorxblue returned at 9:54:17 PM.
GanstaBtchBarbi: okay
redxorxblue: im playing darts
GanstaBtchBarbi: well sorta is better than not at all
GanstaBtchBarbi: lol
redxorxblue: yeah
GanstaBtchBarbi: be careful, don't hurt anyone
redxorxblue: kevins on the phone though
redxorxblue: so its been paused
redxorxblue: brb, my turn
GanstaBtchBarbi: i see
redxorxblue: back
GanstaBtchBarbi: mm yeah, i have cookies
GanstaBtchBarbi: and that's the only thing i can think of to say right now
redxorxblue: mmm cookies
redxorxblue: so yeah
redxorxblue: how you doin?
GanstaBtchBarbi: i'm good
GanstaBtchBarbi: too horny
redxorxblue: mm
redxorxblue: i know what you mean
GanstaBtchBarbi: doesn't it suck?
redxorxblue: yeah
redxorxblue: hooray for masturbation!
GanstaBtchBarbi: ahh fuck you
GanstaBtchBarbi: i wish i had a penis, it would make masturbation a hell of a lot easier
redxorxblue: you girls get toys.
redxorxblue: guys have hands.
GanstaBtchBarbi: well i have no toys
redxorxblue: hmmm
redxorxblue: they're easily acquired though
GanstaBtchBarbi: i don't really feel like buying anything
GanstaBtchBarbi: oh well
GanstaBtchBarbi: hornyness can't kill me
redxorxblue: improvise?
GanstaBtchBarbi: yeah, that's not workin out for me too well
redxorxblue: lol
redxorxblue: well, i want you horny for when i get ther '=_
redxorxblue: -);=
redxorxblue: GAH!
redxorxblue: ;-)
redxorxblue: there we go
GanstaBtchBarbi: lol
GanstaBtchBarbi: good job
redxorxblue: haha
GanstaBtchBarbi: oh and i will be
GanstaBtchBarbi: if i don't stop getting so horny all the time, i might just rape you before you even get the chance to say hi to me when you come back
redxorxblue: http://www.livejournal.com/community/indiefucks/5589447.html
redxorxblue: lol, sounds good
redxorxblue: i just saw that, and i thought of you.
GanstaBtchBarbi: lmao
GanstaBtchBarbi: i have a screwdriver.. but it's too hard for me to want to masterbate with. the sad thing is that i'd already considered it before reading that
redxorxblue: LOL
redxorxblue: im sorry.
redxorxblue: 4 weeks, you can deal ;-)
GanstaBtchBarbi: yeah so i can have you for a week, and then go back to being frusteratingly horny all the time
redxorxblue: yep
GanstaBtchBarbi: woohaa
redxorxblue: but hey, one week of being less horny than usual
GanstaBtchBarbi: yeah
GanstaBtchBarbi: actualy, i'm always hornier when you're around
redxorxblue: damn. that must be pretty bad then
GanstaBtchBarbi: lol
redxorxblue: :-)
GanstaBtchBarbi: mmhmm
GanstaBtchBarbi: i need to think of something other than sex...
redxorxblue: george bush
GanstaBtchBarbi: oh, that's a really good turn off thought
redxorxblue: i thought so
redxorxblue: thats what i do whenever i get horny
redxorxblue: or i watch porn
GanstaBtchBarbi: i have no porn...
GanstaBtchBarbi: my brain doesn't want to think about george bush
redxorxblue: :-)
redxorxblue: ok, im gonna build my model
redxorxblue: i'll be back in a bit.
GanstaBtchBarbi: okay
GanstaBtchBarbi: well i might be gone then

Auto response from redxorxblue: i'm not leaving this place/unless i'm leaving with you/ you're the only person with a half decent heart here/ and i know you will put it to use/until its gone... gone... gone....

redxorxblue is away at 10:30:11 PM.
GanstaBtchBarbi: so gunight
redxorxblue: NOO!
redxorxblue returned at 10:30:19 PM.
redxorxblue: you cant leave
GanstaBtchBarbi: i need sleep mother fucker!
redxorxblue: ok, you can
GanstaBtchBarbi: oh, so you can leave but i cna't?!
GanstaBtchBarbi: good
redxorxblue: you miss "i like no sleep"
redxorxblue: yeah
redxorxblue: exactly
GanstaBtchBarbi: i don't like sleep
redxorxblue: just be on for 20 more min, ok?
GanstaBtchBarbi: but i keep falling asleep in class
GanstaBtchBarbi: ok
redxorxblue: hmm
redxorxblue: brb
redxorxblue is away at 10:31:09 PM.
redxorxblue returned at 10:40:08 PM.
redxorxblue: back
GanstaBtchBarbi: yeay!
redxorxblue: woohoo!
GanstaBtchBarbi: and you were only gone for 9 minutes!
redxorxblue: woohoo!
redxorxblue: stalker.
GanstaBtchBarbi: you know it
GanstaBtchBarbi: do you remember four square?
redxorxblue: hell yeah
GanstaBtchBarbi: i loved that game. i sucked at it, but i didn't care
redxorxblue: same
GanstaBtchBarbi: i don't know if i liked two square or four square better
GanstaBtchBarbi: i think four square was more intense, but the line for two square was shorter so i played that more
redxorxblue: cool
redxorxblue: i dont remember what i played
redxorxblue: i remember just playing at the pool though
GanstaBtchBarbi: hmmmmm
redxorxblue: hmmm?
GanstaBtchBarbi: yeah
redxorxblue: cool.
redxorxblue signed off at 10:57:12 PM.
redxorxblue signed on at 10:00:28 PM.
redxorxblue: back
GanstaBtchBarbi: where'd you go to?!
redxorxblue: my computer shit a brick
GanstaBtchBarbi: ouch
GanstaBtchBarbi: that sounds painful
redxorxblue: yeah
redxorxblue: it could be
redxorxblue: le sigh.
GanstaBtchBarbi: why are you sighing?
redxorxblue: the lonliness is killing me.
GanstaBtchBarbi: ahhhhhh i'm listening to that song right now
redxorxblue: :-)
redxorxblue: that song pretty much describes how i feel perfectly...
GanstaBtchBarbi: i love that song
GanstaBtchBarbi: this song
GanstaBtchBarbi: lol
redxorxblue: lol, me too
GanstaBtchBarbi: you know, i'd pretty much do anything i could to help you if you needed it
redxorxblue: yeah.. but i dont know what i need
GanstaBtchBarbi: yeah
redxorxblue: its kinda frustrating.
GanstaBtchBarbi: how hard have you tried to find a girlfriend out there?
redxorxblue: not hard at all
GanstaBtchBarbi: maybe you should, maybe that would make you happier and life easier for you
redxorxblue: naw.
redxorxblue: girls out here are evil.
redxorxblue: and carry disease.
GanstaBtchBarbi: i'm sure there are good, clean ones
redxorxblue: hmm
redxorxblue: none that are even remotely semi punkish though, they all like country and horses.
GanstaBtchBarbi: lmao and punkish is what you're looking for?
redxorxblue: yes.
redxorxblue: not looks
redxorxblue: but attitude.
GanstaBtchBarbi: damn
GanstaBtchBarbi: i'm really not your type at all
redxorxblue: no, you are
redxorxblue: you dont try to impress people
redxorxblue: you just go with the flow.
redxorxblue: you dont try to be someone you arent
GanstaBtchBarbi: yeah
GanstaBtchBarbi: but i'm not punk
redxorxblue: thats what i want. and with similar interests as me (i.e. music)
redxorxblue: you like the mighty mighty bosstones. and rbf. and streetlight. good enough for me!
GanstaBtchBarbi: lol
GanstaBtchBarbi: oh okay
redxorxblue: yeah
GanstaBtchBarbi: i can't even remember a time when i didn't love the bosstones
GanstaBtchBarbi: it wasn't too long ago
GanstaBtchBarbi: but i like to forget that
redxorxblue: lol
GanstaBtchBarbi: those were dark times
redxorxblue: they were
GanstaBtchBarbi: actually they really were. when i started listening to the bosstones a lot is when my life starting getting better
GanstaBtchBarbi: connection? i think so
redxorxblue: see? ska is good for you.
redxorxblue: yep
GanstaBtchBarbi: lol
GanstaBtchBarbi: you know what? i'm a bit sick of tristen right now
GanstaBtchBarbi: i now he's an ass, but it's getting to me right about now
GanstaBtchBarbi: he does this thing where he brings something up, and then refuses to talk about it
redxorxblue: yeah
redxorxblue: i know what you mean
GanstaBtchBarbi: and he says he won't talk aobut it because he doesn't want to upset you or whatever
GanstaBtchBarbi: but he's already upset you by bringing it up
redxorxblue: yeah
redxorxblue: it sucks.
GanstaBtchBarbi: he did that to me tonight
redxorxblue: im sorry
GanstaBtchBarbi: so i told him to either tell me what he was thinking, or just not bring up bad shit, because it's pointless. it's not helping me at all
GanstaBtchBarbi: so he said goodbye
redxorxblue: thats nice of him
GanstaBtchBarbi: it pisses me off most because he stopped talking to me last spring because i was "too negative"
GanstaBtchBarbi: because i said pointless negative things
redxorxblue: now robin has rubbed off on him
redxorxblue: NOOOOOO!
GanstaBtchBarbi: lol
GanstaBtchBarbi: the two of them suck as a couple
redxorxblue: did you read her response to me in her lj?
GanstaBtchBarbi: yeah
redxorxblue: it was really, really, really dumb.
GanstaBtchBarbi: mmhmm
redxorxblue: wasnt it "uh, ewwwwwwwwwww"?
GanstaBtchBarbi: i read it and thought "wtf robin? shut up you dumb bitch!"
GanstaBtchBarbi: mmhmm
redxorxblue: lol
GanstaBtchBarbi: i love how when you point out her stupidity she likes to prove how stupid she can be
GanstaBtchBarbi: it's quite thoughtful of ehr
redxorxblue: yeah
GanstaBtchBarbi: *her
redxorxblue: i knew whatcha meant
GanstaBtchBarbi: hmm tristen really doesn't want me to like you
GanstaBtchBarbi: i don't know why
redxorxblue: why is that?
redxorxblue: hmm
GanstaBtchBarbi: but he always says things to make me question my feelings for you
redxorxblue: hmm
GanstaBtchBarbi: and to question your integrity
redxorxblue: lol, like what?
GanstaBtchBarbi: like tonight. i said something about you coming back he he said that he wasn't sure if my feelings for you were healthy, and pretty much how he thinks that something will probably happen (he won't tell me what) that will leave me not okay
redxorxblue: interesting
GanstaBtchBarbi: it's stuff like that, and the whole time i've liked you he's said stuff like that
redxorxblue: yeah
redxorxblue: hes more manipulative than me!
GanstaBtchBarbi: yeah he is
GanstaBtchBarbi: but i don't get why is trying to manipulate my thoughts
redxorxblue: yeah
GanstaBtchBarbi: i know he's not helping me
redxorxblue: that doesnt make sense
GanstaBtchBarbi: with what he says
GanstaBtchBarbi: maybe he's afraid for me? or maybe he just likes playing with girls' heads, and he couldn't fuck up mine by pretending to care about me, so he has to bring you into it too
GanstaBtchBarbi: but it's shit like this that makes me question him more
redxorxblue: hmmm
GanstaBtchBarbi: this is why i don't consider him a close friend
GanstaBtchBarbi: i don't trust him
redxorxblue: that makes sense
redxorxblue: yeah
redxorxblue: i think he has bad motives.
GanstaBtchBarbi: i do too
redxorxblue: but i spent 12 hrs in a car with him, he didnt seem bad then
GanstaBtchBarbi: i think he shows different people different faces
GanstaBtchBarbi: yeah, that's the hard thing.. i seems like a good kid a lot of the time
GanstaBtchBarbi: *he seems
redxorxblue: yeah
GanstaBtchBarbi: and i don't want to think that he's a prick and trying to manipulate my thoughts. at the same time, i don't want to think that you're an asshole and that you're going to hurt me
redxorxblue: i dont want to hurt you
redxorxblue: but honestly, im afraid im going to somehow
GanstaBtchBarbi: i probably will get hurt
redxorxblue: :-(
GanstaBtchBarbi: the only way around it is me getting over you
redxorxblue: thats true
GanstaBtchBarbi: but i don't know when that's going to happen
GanstaBtchBarbi: it's taking a damn long time
redxorxblue: yeah
GanstaBtchBarbi: oh well, i don't think liking you will kill me
redxorxblue: vice versa
GanstaBtchBarbi: i doubt i'll end up hurting you
redxorxblue: you never know. i dont care what you say or think, i do have feelings for you.
GanstaBtchBarbi: i hate how i let tristen get to me
redxorxblue: yeah. dont.
GanstaBtchBarbi: i can say that i don't believe him, but it's hard not to listen to him. he's supposed to be my friend, he listens to me when i'm sad, he seems like a nice person when we hang out. it's hard to just ignore some of the stuff he says
redxorxblue: like what tho?
GanstaBtchBarbi: like what he says about me liking you. how it's stupid, and i should just move on, because it can't be anything, and all that
redxorxblue: hmm
GanstaBtchBarbi: i know that it's kind of stupid to like someone i can't be with
GanstaBtchBarbi: but he pretty much says that even if you were here, i shouldn't care so much
redxorxblue: lol
redxorxblue: interesting
GanstaBtchBarbi: and he hits on my insecurities
GanstaBtchBarbi: so i don't know if he's right, or if he's just messing with me
redxorxblue: i dont know
GanstaBtchBarbi: i guess we never really know who to trust
redxorxblue: not at all
GanstaBtchBarbi: i hate that so much
GanstaBtchBarbi: the thought that what i think a person is, might very well not be them at all
redxorxblue: a lot of people are fake
GanstaBtchBarbi: i'm not
redxorxblue: and i try not to be, but i am in the fact that i try to please everyone.
GanstaBtchBarbi: don't try to please me
GanstaBtchBarbi: i want the truth, and i want to know the real you
GanstaBtchBarbi: and you know i'm not capable of being very mean to people, even if i hate them
GanstaBtchBarbi: that's the way that i'm fake
redxorxblue: yeah
GanstaBtchBarbi: but i'm not fake about how i feel when it comes to people who matter to me
redxorxblue: being honest, i havnt lied to you yet.
GanstaBtchBarbi: lis isn't important enough for me to worry about telling the truth to
redxorxblue: oh, i share my true feelings, but i can say it in ways to not piss people off.
redxorxblue: yeah
GanstaBtchBarbi: please don't lead me on
redxorxblue: im not
redxorxblue: honestly.
GanstaBtchBarbi: really, telling me when you stop caring
redxorxblue: i want to stop caring, but i cant.
GanstaBtchBarbi: but someday you will
redxorxblue: eventually... its inevitable, its gotta happen eventually. who knows when though.
GanstaBtchBarbi: and i want to know, so that i won't make an ass of myself or push you into anything you're not okay with
redxorxblue: sounds good
redxorxblue: and i want you to tell me to just ignore you.
GanstaBtchBarbi: why?
redxorxblue: when to...
redxorxblue: when you want to get over me.
GanstaBtchBarbi: i kind of feel like i should try to get over you, but i really don't want to
redxorxblue: yeah, i know what you mean in a wierd sort of way.
GanstaBtchBarbi: i love the way i feel about you
redxorxblue: :-)
GanstaBtchBarbi: but at the same time, i can't have you
redxorxblue: and honestly... it helps to know that someone cares about me, as corny and self absorbed as it may sound.
GanstaBtchBarbi: but i don't seem to care
redxorxblue: yeah
GanstaBtchBarbi: i keep liking you more, and we never even dated
redxorxblue: i consider what we had in the summer dating
redxorxblue: just without the fancy title
redxorxblue: cause did we see each other just about everyday? did we make out? we were more than a fling
GanstaBtchBarbi: yeah
redxorxblue: we could have conversations
redxorxblue: it was like, the perfect relationship, cause i can actually talk to you
GanstaBtchBarbi: i think back, and for the life of me i can't figure out how our relationship became what it is now
redxorxblue: we hung out all the time
redxorxblue: just how we got to that point is what i want to know
GanstaBtchBarbi: yeah
GanstaBtchBarbi: we went from kind of talking online sometimes, to hanging out
GanstaBtchBarbi: and the more i think about it... the weirder it seems
redxorxblue: lol
redxorxblue: yeah...
redxorxblue: well, we started talking online mucho often
GanstaBtchBarbi: because i'm obsessive like taht
GanstaBtchBarbi: lol
redxorxblue: then i decided you were cool, so i decided to hang out with you. or something.
redxorxblue: haha
GanstaBtchBarbi: yeah, i was really surprised when you wanted to hang out
GanstaBtchBarbi: and then we hung out and did nothing
GanstaBtchBarbi: and i figured you'd be too bored of me to want to hang out again
redxorxblue: i knew you'd open up to me
GanstaBtchBarbi: then i remember that day when you picked me up off the street and we watched tv at the station
redxorxblue: lol, yeah...
GanstaBtchBarbi: then i remember finding out you had a girlfriend
GanstaBtchBarbi: and thinking "ok, well that's the end of that crush then"
redxorxblue: yeah yeah...
GanstaBtchBarbi: i kept thinking that i was over you, and then i'd talk to you online and i'd like you again
GanstaBtchBarbi: i'm retarded
redxorxblue: naw
redxorxblue: then i realized lis was umm, braindead. and hung out with you more.
GanstaBtchBarbi: and robin
redxorxblue: yeah. so i wouldnt feel guilty.
GanstaBtchBarbi: really?
redxorxblue: i figured if i hit on both of you, it cancelled out, and no one would get pissed off. and i new lis hated robin, and hoped she would get jealous and break up with me
GanstaBtchBarbi: lol
GanstaBtchBarbi: i remember hanging out with you and robin. we'd be watching tv or something, and i figured it was okay if i sat next to you because robin was on your other side... so you wouldn't think it meant anything
redxorxblue: thats honestly how i thought, since i hate breaking up with girls.
redxorxblue: yeah
redxorxblue: thats how i wanted it to work
redxorxblue: my dad was jealous, though
GanstaBtchBarbi: lol
GanstaBtchBarbi: what?
redxorxblue: he was jealous that i could have 2 chicks and he couldnt
GanstaBtchBarbi: haha
GanstaBtchBarbi: my clock says it's only 10:25, can i pretend it's that time?
redxorxblue: it is only 10:35
redxorxblue: sure
GanstaBtchBarbi: sweet
GanstaBtchBarbi: last summer seems like such a long time ago
redxorxblue: yes and know
redxorxblue: no*
GanstaBtchBarbi: i can barely remember how it felt to try and hide from you that i liked you
GanstaBtchBarbi: but when i think about it, and the things that happened, it kind of feels like they could have happened yesterday
GanstaBtchBarbi: i miss this summer
GanstaBtchBarbi: it was definately the best summer vacation i've had in a damn long time
GanstaBtchBarbi: because of all the chinese food lol
redxorxblue: lol, of course. told ya chinese were great.
GanstaBtchBarbi: i was reading my blog, and there was a link to song lyrics, so i clicked at started to read the lyrics. then i put in the cd that that song is on. it just got to the song who's lyrics i read and i thought "didn't i just hear this song?". but it doesn't feel like i just read it, it feels like i just heard it
GanstaBtchBarbi: i think i'm tired
redxorxblue: wierd
redxorxblue: i know im tired
redxorxblue: lol
GanstaBtchBarbi: do you want to go to bed?
redxorxblue: eventually
GanstaBtchBarbi: i wanted to go to bed, but i kind of like talking to you
GanstaBtchBarbi: and remembering the happy times
redxorxblue: yeah, you cheered me up tonight
redxorxblue: thanks
GanstaBtchBarbi: back when i felt like robin was a friend
GanstaBtchBarbi: really?! great!@
GanstaBtchBarbi: !
redxorxblue: hey, if it wasnt for robin, what would you do without me?
GanstaBtchBarbi: i don't even know what my life would be like if i hadn't gotten to know you
redxorxblue: :-D
GanstaBtchBarbi: when i started hanging out with you, it's like i woke up
GanstaBtchBarbi: and i started really living
redxorxblue: good
GanstaBtchBarbi: and i think a lot of it has to do with you
redxorxblue: i just took you out of your turtle shell.
GanstaBtchBarbi: yeah, how did you do that?!
redxorxblue: i dont know
redxorxblue: ok, too many popups
GanstaBtchBarbi: i think i was like "damn he's sexy. but i can't cuddle with him with this damn shell on. fuck the shell, i want the boy" and i ran out of the shell
redxorxblue: computer being dumb
redxorxblue: :-)
redxorxblue: that works
redxorxblue: sleep... goodnight!
redxorxblue: thanks so much
redxorxblue: :-)
GanstaBtchBarbi: gunight
redxorxblue: night
redxorxblue signed off at 10:38:15 PM.